


Danvers State

by ronans



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Asylum, Character Death, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Other, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:55:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronans/pseuds/ronans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danvers State Mental Hospital is the home of Castiel Novak, a man who had an incredibly traumatic childhood. The events that occurred messed with his mind and left him with a hefty list of mental illnesses. The doctors find that they need to get to the bottom of Castiel's mental conditions and find out about the fantasy worlds his brain created before he becomes too lost to return to reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am honestly so sorry if I get some of the medicine wrong or treatments or anything like that, I have to rely on google and though I do look up multiple sources for the information, it may not be 100%

'You know... I don't belong in here!' The crazed voice rang out, travelling through the small glass slit of a window.

The bulky orderlies did not pay attention as they locked the door firmly, grunting to each other, confirming that there was no way the patient could escape the confines of the room.

'Patient is secure, morphine has entered into the system and he has been placed under general anesthesia. Patient should become unconscious within a few minutes,' the larger of the two men informed his co-worker. He nodded briefly in response before marching down the hall.

'You see, Dean, they have me all wrong. I don't want to  _harm_  the people.' Manic eyes paled as they darted around the white room, 'No, no, no, no, no-o! I just want them to  _see_!' A hysterical laugh tumbled out of the man's pale lips.

Another man circled him, a finger to his lips as he mentally debated with himself. 'What do you want them to  _see_ , Cas?'

Cas lifted a battered hand to his mouth, eyes staring up from their bruised sockets. 'I want them to see how it works!' He choked out another giggle before falling back onto the padded floor and slipping into oblivion.

* * *

The raven-haired man twitched in his dreamless, chemical induced sleep. Doctor Fuller observed the male from the other side of the cell door.

'Nurse Foreman, could you get Castiel's files for me.' The doctor didn't remove his eyes from the patient as he directed the order at the petite nurse.

'Sure.' She scurried away down the hall, leaving the doctor alone.

Castiel had been unconscious for over twelve hours which was extremely unusual; his normal sleeping pattern would be six hours maximum even after he had been doped up with chemicals.

The cheerful nurse returned to the Doctor, handing him Castiel Novak's case file. The doctor knew Castiel's case off by heart but he still scanned down the list, murmuring the disorders under his breath.

'Manic depression, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, anxiety, hallucinations, paranoia, anorexia nervosa.'

'Yeah, Doc, still the same as when he was first admitted..' The nurse smiled sweetly up at him and then peered in to look at the patient. He had woken up during the time it took for her to retrieve the file. 'Well look who's awake!' She waved at Castiel who appeared to see right through her.

'I should assess his progress. Do you wish to accompany me?' The doctor squinted at Nurse Foreman over the rims of his glasses.

'Of course!'

Doctor Fuller unlocked the cell door and walked in to the white padded room. 'I see you're awake, Castiel. How are we doing today? Do you feel any better?'

Castiel laughed manically from his position on the floor. 'I don't need to be here.'

'How about Dean, where is he?'

'Dean's here, Doc.' Castiel's head tilted to the side as he looked into thin air.

Nurse Foreman dragged a chair in to the spacious cell for the doctor and smiled at Castiel.

'I'm an angel now, Doc.'

The doctor sighed as he peered over his glasses. This had been a recurring dream with Castiel where he thought he was in another world. 'Castiel, you are a patient here at Danvers State Hospital, not an angel.'

The patient's large blue eyes finally focused on the GP. 'I save people.' A grin spread across his face. 'Dean's there too. He makes sure I'm safe. He wants to save the people too.'

'What are the names of the people you've saved, Castiel?'

'We saved Dean's brother. We saved him together.'

'Is this Sam?'

'I never told you his name.' Fear and suspicion spread in the patient's eyes as he scooted away into the corner, as far away as possible from Doctor Fuller.

'We have had many sessions to do with Sam, Castiel. You talk about Sam a lot too. Is he here with us now?'

Castiel shook his head wildly, his unruly hair quivering, 'No. Sam is far away from here. Dean stays though.'

Nurse Foreman jotted down Castiel's frantic mumbling on her notepad. Castiel hadn't made any progress since their last session and he seemed to be reverting back to an old favourite fiction tale of his where he was with Dean and Sam.

'Where is Dean exactly?'

'He is not  _right_ here!' Castiel shouted suddenly, rising up from his position on the floor. 'He is-' Castiel sank back down to the padded surface, biting his nails, not finishing the sentence.

'Where is he, Castiel?'

The patient was growing weary of the Doctor's questions and was starting to twitch, his match-stick arms rising and falling spasmodically. His voice appeared to be an octave higher and his azure eyes darkened resembling the colour of a stormy sea. 'I don't want you to know about Dean! Dean is ours!'

'Jimmy?' The doctor questioned calmly; he had been working with Castiel for over two years and was familiar with his outbursts.

Castiel's head canted to the side uncomfortably, his brow creasing in confusion. Swiftly, his head snapped to the side as he stared at the right wall. He nodded slowly and then aggressively rotated so he could face his doctor again. Panic pooled in both the doctor and the nurse's stomachs. They knew how hostile Castiel could be and solid rage was set in his eyes. Castiel edged towards them and grabbed the chair, rising it above his head before throwing it across the room. A blood-curdling scream shot out from his raw throat as he fell to the ground shaking.

'I'll get a medic!' Nurse Foreman dashed out of the room to fetch one of the large men. The doctor pinned Castiel's arms down as he tried to control the fit. The patient's legs thrashed and his head shuddered, bright blue eyes rolling. Two medics entered the room, injecting Castiel. More screams left his lips as the staff hastily made their way out of the room and bolted the door behind them.

The medics, Doctor Fuller and Nurse Foreman stood beside the cell entrance panting heavily.

'We gotta get through to Dean,' the nurse gasped out. 'Castiel's too dangerous. We need to cure him quickly... We don't know how many alternate realities he's got going on in there.'

'I know... I am just beginning to wonder if this is a lost cause.'

The nurse shot daggers at the doctor. 'We're going to make him better.'


	2. Chapter 2

'Cas! Cas! Wake the fuck up!'

Cas' droopy eyelids cracked open and immediately fluttered closed again as the throb of his pounding headache hit him. He huffed out in pain.

'Come on! Wake up!'

He finally opened his eyes properly and was greeted by a slap around the face from Dean. He flinched away from the man who was dressed in matching white uniform.

'Dean!' Cas screamed in shock.

'You got us put under fucking lock-down!' The look Dean was giving him was murderous. Dean turned his attention swiftly towards the door as it opened slowly and then moved to the back of the room, studying the situation that was about to unravel.

'Hey, Cassy... I popped back from France to see how you were getting on,' Balthazar chuckled nervously at the door. Cas thought it was strange that there were no medics with him; he was completely on his own.

'Brother?'

Balthazar shuffled on his feet before moving towards his brother and couching in front of him. Slowly, Balthazar placed a hand on Cas' skeletal knee. 'I got you this! Let me tell you, procuring it was extremely hard in today's market...' He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a long silver blade, placing it down on Cas' lap.

'An angel blade. Dean and I have come across many of these,' Cas' face shone as he grinned.

'I'm glad you like it little brother,' Balthazar smiled fondly at his younger sibling before noticing that footsteps were coming towards the door. 'Oh, shit, someone's coming.'

Castiel stopped marveling at the beautiful blade and looked up. The door was closed and Balthazar was nowhere to be seen. The cell door opened to reveal Doctor Fuller.

'Did you pass Balthazar on your way out?' Cas asked innocently.

The doctor shut the door with a troubled look on his face. 'Castiel, your brother, Balthazar, has been dead for five years.' Doctor Fuller sighed.

Pain crossed the patient's features. 'But... Balthazar was here and he gave me this blade!' He held up the shiny silver weapon.

'You are not holding anything, Castiel.' The doctor's voice was filled with sympathy for the scrawny man on the floor. He inspected his patient's now distraught face and noticed another mark on his cheek. 'Have you hit yourself again?'

'It was Dean.'

'Castiel, we need to know if you are still harming yourself.'

'It was Dean!' Castiel shouted, trying to stand up but the drugs pinned him down.

'Dean is not real, Castiel. You have to see that.'

A low chuckle reached Cas' ears. Dean moved from his spot in the corner and stood next to the doctor, breathing in his ear. 'You're wrong.' He whispered.

'Castiel!' Doctor Fuller snapped.

Dean grinned widely and Castiel focused of the doctor's now stern face. He knew the doctor had long since lost faith in him; even if he was supposedly completely crazy he could pick up the subtle differences in the older man's demeanour.

'Castiel,' Doctor Fuller murmured, content that he had his patient's attention. 'Tell me more about Dean.'

'Dean's my friend.'

'Friends do not hurt one another.'

'I was wrong to do this to Dean... Dean had the right to...' Cas trailed off as his vision blurred. He focused on the top right hand corner on the cell.

'Castiel, we have to start to progress with your treatment. If it doesn't work... this institution may suffer greatly. Do you understand?'

The doctor waited patiently for Castiel's response.

'I understand.' The whisper escaped the man's lips.

'Good. This is good. Now... please tell me why you hit yourself.' Doctor Fuller placed the tip of his biro on the lined notepad, ready for Castiel's reply.

'Dean did it because I was stupid enough to get us locked in here.'

The doctor rubbed his weary eyes. 'I think that's enough for today. Maybe we can get further tomorrow.'

The man on the floor turned his head and chuckled. 'Jimmy doesn't want you to know about Dean... and neither do I.'

Doctor Fuller stood up and left the cell, leaving Castiel to laugh on the floor and slowly slip into unconsciousness with Dean at his side.


	3. Chapter 3

'Castiel isn't responding to the treatment.. I'm struggling with what to do here..' Doctor Fuller removed his glasses and cleaned them absently.

Nurse Foreman patted the doctor's shoulder. 'I think he needs some time out of the cell, let him talk with the other patients.. Under supervision, of course. I just don't think the isolation's doing him any good.'

'Maybe you're right.. I'll get the medics to send him down to the day room.' The doctor gave the nurse a quick smile before he turned on his heel and made his way towards his office. He had two new patients arriving later on that day and was extremely busy with paperwork.

'Christian?'

'Yeah?' The trainee doctor looked up from his notepad and walked over to the nurse.

'Could you get some of the medics or whoever's available to accompany Castiel Novak to the day room please? I've got to see a patient.'

'Sure.' Christian scribbled something down on the notepad before dashing down the halls.

* * *

Three medics made their way down to Castiel's cell. When they reached it, the patient was facing the wall opposite the door, rocking slowly. When the medics entered the cell they noticed that an seemingly never ending prayer was rushing out of Castiel's lips.

'Oh Lord, oh father, please forgive me for my sins, please forgive me.' Castiel repeated over and over again. The medics wondered if this was progress for Castiel and if he was really coming to terms with the events that had occurred before he had been admitted to the hospital.

Castiel kept mumbling the prayer as the medics lifted him up and supported him as he was guided out of the cell.

He drifted down the halls with the help of the medics and soon found himself in the day room.

'Now, Castiel, we're just going to set you down in a chair. We'll be watching over you if you need anything, okay sweetie?' A blonde haired nurse informed him. He looked up at her blankly before staring at the table in front of him.

The nurse backed away then and stood by the door, watching him. Castiel followed the pattern of the wood with his eyes for what seemed like hours until he felt a presence across from him. He looked up to a see a preppy brunette woman. He was sure he recognised her but couldn't quite place her.

'Hello.' She said confidently. 'Are you Castiel?'

'Yes.' He was minutely surprised but felt he couldn't bring up much energy to react to her business-like attitude.

'I'm Lisa, Lisa Braeden.' She extended her hand out to Castiel and then it clicked. He recognised her from the file he had seen. She was a woman of thirty four who had violently murdered her only son, Ben, six years ago. She had completely blocked it out and had been admitted to the hospital a few months after the murder. No progress had been made, Castiel judged. He returned the gesture anyway, wondering why she'd approached him.

'Well, you already know my name.'

Lisa chuckled and then stared at Castiel with warm brown eyes. 'Are you doing okay? I don't normally see you away from the cell.'

'Apparently I'm crazy.'

Lisa laughed again, continuing to stare at Castiel. 'Do you know why you're here, Castiel?'

'Not exactly.'

'I know.'

Castiel tilted his head slightly, returning her stare. 'Is that so?'

'I don't think the doctors know what to do with you, from what I've heard.. But _I_  can tell you what they want you to remember.'

Castiel thinks  _That's rich, coming from you, the woman who can't even remember murdering her own child._  He keeps his thoughts to himself, however.

'Is that so?' Castiel repeated.

Lisa nodded her head gravely. 'They want you to remember-' A nurse walked up to the table then, cutting Lisa off.

'Lisa, we need to give you your medicine.' She smiled kindly at her patient.

She sighed and bid goodbye to Castiel, a promise in her eyes. Castiel returned to staring at the swirls of the wood on the table, glad to be alone again.


	4. Chapter 4

'Castiel, your medicine.' Nurse Foreman called from across the room. Castiel stood up reluctantly from his normal seat in the day room and shuffled towards the double doors. The nurse stood waiting for him and then led him to the nurse's cubicle, as usual, a bright smile plastered across her face.

'Dean told me that I don't need this. You're numbing me down in here, he  _told_  me,' Castiel tapped a skeletal finger to his skull twice and raised his eyebrows.

The nurse responded with a bell-like chuckle, 'Dean's a cheeky one, isn't he.'

'No.'

Castiel's blunt, humourless reply caused her laughter to die down, 'Please take the medicine, Mr Novak. It will make you better. I promise.'

His eyes narrowed as he swallowed the cocktail of pills.

'See? That wasn't so hard!'

After placing a small pat on his shoulder, the nurse left. Castiel cast his gaze over the patients around him, spying Lisa Braeden at his usual table.

'Not bad…' Dean raked his eyes over the petite brunette woman, pouting slightly as he appraised her.

'You shouldn't look at her in that way,'

Dean's laugh rang around the room, his head thrown back. He calmed quickly and looked over at Castiel's concerned expression. 'It's okay, Cas,  _you're_   _mine_.'

Shivers ripped their way down Castiel's spine as Dean circled him, his hysteric laughter enveloping Cas once more.

'Lisa!' he shouted across the room. She jumped at the volume of his voice but her smile was warm when she saw him.

'Come here,' she mouthed, gesturing with her hand. Castiel wandered over to her and plopped himself down in his chair.

'Dean likes you,' he whispered, a grin spreading across his face.

She seemed to momentarily freeze before responding, 'I'm sure Dean's wonderful.'

'He is. He likes my wings, Lisa. My wings are powerful.'

'They look it,'

Castiel cocked his head slightly and stared at her, 'You can see them?'

'Yes, Cas.'

He observed that her lips were pressed together tightly and her chocolate brown eyes were no longer warm but sad and pitying. A fire began to bloom in his stomach; a white hot rage forming as he picked up on her lie.

His whole body quivered with anger and Lisa seemed to notice the shift in the atmosphere, 'Now, Castiel, if you get too angry, you know what they'll do to you! Calm down, they only just let you out!' Lisa desperately fluttered her hands over his bony arms in a fruitless attempt to calm him.

'You can't see my wings! You can't see them!' he screamed before clamping his hands around the armrests, his knuckles bone white from the strength of his grip. He shot up into a standing position and sent the piece of wooden furniture flying. His jet black and midnight blue coloured wings rose up impressively behind him, but they were for his and Dean's eyes only. Countless patients flinched around him at the noises and many joined in with his cries of rage. Lisa cowered under the table as Castiel charged through the room. Medics surrounded him as he lashed out at the staff and patients; if anyone noticed his voice climb an octave as he became Jimmy, no one questioned it as they injected him and forced him into a drug induced sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The sound of the lock clicking caused Castiel to sit upright. Dean loomed over him, monitoring his every move with a sinister grin on his face. A calloused hand brushed through Castiel’s hair as he stared intently at the white metal opening.

‘Castiel?’ a slightly weathered version of an eerily familiar voice asked. A face appeared then and Castiel knew who it was. ‘Hello, Castiel. My name is Sam Wesson, I’m going to be your new counsellor.’ A wide grin lit up the man’s face.

‘S-Sam?’

‘Yes. I came here to introduce myself and… get to know you a bit better.’

He was an older Sam Winchester. He wore half-moon spectacles that were perched halfway down his nose and a light sprinkle of greying stubble glazed his jaw. The man’s forehead had lines that told a story of each of his patients, each strand of grey hair on his head an indicator of his age and stress levels. His otherwise brown hair reached his jacket clothed shoulders and his toned torso was concealed by a beige sweater over a checked shirt.

‘I imagine that this is what you would have become if you’d completed law school, Sam,’ Cas whispered as he took in Sam’s appearance.

The other man raised an eyebrow in confusion, ‘I don’t quite know what you mean.’

‘Sam Winchester.’

‘Oh, sorry, you may have misheard me, it’s _Wesson_.’

‘Dean only wants the best for you, Sammy. He loves you, Sammy. He’d do anything for you, Sammy. He’ll kill the devil for you, _Sammy_!’

Understanding replaced the confusion as Sam entered the room fully and sat in the chair in the corner.

‘Is this Sam and Dean from your dream?’

Castiel shot a murderous look at the other man, ‘Dream?’

‘Yes, Castiel. Your doctor, Doctor… Fuller? He was explaining your situation to me.’

‘I think we’ve got this covered, Sammy,’ Dean piped up from where he was leaning against the wall, now as far away from the Sam Winchester doppelganger as possible.

‘We don’t need you,’ Castiel hissed.

Sam’s lips pressed into a thin line and his shoulders heaved a sigh.

‘Mr Novak, I think I could truly help you. I need you to work with me, but I could help. I’m only here to listen-‘

‘That’s what all the others say, Sam,’

‘I know, I know. I’m just saying that... I-‘ Sam cut himself off, searching for the correct words. ‘Tell me about Jimmy.’

The subject came as a shock to Castiel who simply stared at the taller man with uncertainty. His head shook slightly before he lunged forward, ‘You’re not out to get us, are you? Not like the others, are you?’

‘Jimmy?’

The smaller man exhaled heavily, ‘Sam, answer me.’

‘Of course I’m not. I’m here to help.’

A sharp bark of laughter left Jimmy’s lips. He began to pace around the room, tapping a single digit to his chapped lips.

‘So how are you going to deal with Castiel then, Sam? You see, Castiel’s troubled.’

‘I’m here to listen. I’m here to help, that’s all.’ Sam gestured with his hands before slapping them back down on his jean clad thighs. His eyes followed Jimmy’s movements with interest.

‘Do you miss me, Sam?’ Dean’s strained, hoarse voice sounded from the corner. Sam didn’t respond, eyes still on Jimmy.

‘You’ve done a lot of bad, Sam. I don’t feel inclined to trust you.’

‘I don’t believe we’ve met before, Jimmy.’ Sam’s hands inched toward his jacket pocket to pull out his notepad and pen discreetly.

‘Of course we have! Or course, of course, of _course_.’

**_Jimmy and Castiel – Sam Winchester_ **

**_Trust issues – paranoia, staff – ‘out to get us like the others’_ **

 

Sam’s hand flew across the page as he noted down important sections of the conversation.

‘How much can you tell me about what happened, Jimmy?’

Jimmy ceased his pacing and Dean stood up a little straighter. Both sets of eyes bore into Sam’s.

‘Castiel didn’t do it, you know,’ Jimmy said defensively.

‘Didn’t do what?’

‘Kill. He would never kill. He loved- loved him, greatly. Loved him _greatly_. Do not think ill of Cas,’

‘How did Castiel know Balthazar, Jimmy?’

‘ _Stop_!’

‘I need to know, Jimmy. You need to tell me.’

‘He can still block it out, he can still keep it away, you don’t need to mention his name, stop _now_!’ Jimmy screamed, fists balling at his sides. Dean edged even further away, a grimace pulling at the corners of his lips.

‘Who was Balthazar, Jimmy?’

Jimmy let out a shriek and dived at Sam. The taller man dodged Jimmy’s attack and pinned him down, gaining the upper hand. He called for the medics, keeping his hands locked around the thrashing patient’s arms. Nurses and medics entered the cell-like room and tended to the patient.

Sam’s breathing was laboured as he kept his eyes locked on the scene in front of him. Castiel’s case was a dangerous one, but he’d gained a reaction and was willing to keep pushing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incredibly sorry that it's rather short and slightly delayed, I get sidetracked a lot with other ideas adsjfhksdjlfh

‘Castiel? May I sit with you?’ Lisa asked timidly. The ill man nodded an affirmative without looking at her.

‘Castiel…’ Lisa started again. She sounded like she was treading on eggshells with her wording and that annoyed Cas to the point where he began to shake.

‘What?’

‘I wanted to talk again about… why you’re here.’

‘I have no need to be on these premises, Lisa. I think you understand.’

‘No, Castiel. You do. And I need to tell you. They’re keeping it from you because… they want _you_ to remember on your own.’

‘My memory is intact, thank you, Lisa.’

‘No!’ She barked. A cough left her lips and she lowered her voice, ‘Castiel, you need to know why you’re here and then you can get out. I can help you get out!’ She let out a short, hysteric laugh and bared her straight white teeth in a gleeful manner.

Cas raised his eyes to meet hers and she flinched back at the coldness of his irises.

‘Jesus Christ, lady, the fuck are you on about?! Cas ain’t insane, sugar.’

Dean’s teeth clacked together each time he chewed his gum. He smiled at Lisa, coating on sickly charm.

‘Dean, please,’ Cas whispered, cheeks heating up with embarrassment.

‘What did you say?’ Lisa asked, eyebrows lifting slightly.

‘I wasn’t _talking_ to _you_ ,’ Castiel spat. She winced at his tone but continued to stare.

‘I only want to help you.’

‘Hey, Cas, look! This one’s caring _and_ hot. Hmm… Psycho Mommy not doin’ it for you?’ Dean made a clicking sound with his tongue and pulled up a chair, straddling it and leaning his arms on the back.

‘Your help is not wanted.’

Lisa let out a deep sigh, ‘I’m not giving up.’

‘It seems you’ve invested yourself in a hopeless case,’ Castiel ground out, keeping his electric blue eyes on Lisa’s warm brown ones.

Lisa finally buckled under the intensity of Cas’ gaze and eventually got up and left.

‘Well, now she’s gone we can have some fun!’ Dean clapped his hands together and stood, making his way over to the large box in the corner of the room. Cas followed Dean’s movements with solid concentration.

‘Hey, Cas, how about some Twister? I bet your scrawny ass could bust a few moves!’ Dean grinned, his jaws snapping as he chewed absently at his gum.

‘Dean, stop behaving in such a _juvenile_ manner!’ Castiel hissed from his position in the old wooden chair. Dean stared back, wide eyed, for a moment before rummaging around in the dusty games box a second time.

A ghost of a smile pulled at Dean’s lips as his muscular arms came into contact with the game he’d been searching for. He straightened up once more, a plump pout settling on his mouth as he held up the box for Cas to see:

_Sorry!_


	7. Chapter 7

Two knocks sounded on the cell door, stirring Castiel from his light sleep. He groaned and pushed at Dean, creating space in between them.

‘Hi, Castiel,’ Sam said from the door, entering fully.

‘I do not wish to converse with you.’

Sam closed the door behind him and looked down at the patient, ‘You don’t have to talk, Castiel. Not if you don’t want to.’

Castiel glanced up at Sam; he looked like a concerned puppy with his brow wrinkled and a soft pout puckering his lips.

Dean and Cas wore matching frowns and Castiel turned to the other man, silently asking if he were allowed to talk.

‘Nah, dude, I don’t trust this Sammy. He’s shady.’

Cas nodded and then squinted up at the tall man.

‘Do you remember Balthazar at all?’ Sam asked, sitting down in the corner of the room, diving straight into his questioning.

‘Don’t answer, he’s tricking you,’ Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear. He pushed up off the floor and began to walk the perimeter of the room, his usual action when a doctor came to talk to Castiel.

With his lips pressed into a firm line, not allowing any words to fall out, Castiel sat up and stared at the padded ceiling.

‘Balthazar was your brother, wasn’t he?’ Sam pushed.

‘Yes,’ Castiel replied, voice scratchy. Dean sprang forward and shoved Castiel back, forcing him to lie down again.

‘Shut the fuck up, Cas,’ Dean warned, spitting the words out through gritted teeth.

‘I only want to talk, Dean.’

A smile edged across Castiel’s lips and he stared into Dean’s fiery eyes. The fire went out and Dean let go of the material of the patient’s shirt, backing away and leaning against the wall. His eyes never left Castiel as he stood, playing absently with the amulet that hung around his neck.

‘Good. That’s good.’

Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out his notepad and pen.

Castiel rolled over, eyes focused on Dean, ‘I miss him.’

‘Why do you miss him, Castiel?’

Tears prickled Castiel’s eyes and he didn’t bother wiping them away as they began to spill, ‘He does not visit me anymore. He thinks ill of me, Sam.’

The older man looked at the sobbing patient with pity. ‘Where do you think your brother is now?’

‘I don’t know.’

Sam scribbled down the answer before tapping the pen against his stubbled chin.

‘I really would like to know,’ Castiel whispered, curling in on himself. Dean silently made his way over to Cas, pulling him close.

‘Cas, don’t let him do this to you. You don’t need to talk.’

The husky sound of Dean’s voice was soothing and he burrowed further into his chest, clutching at the fabric of his white uniform.

‘I do, Dean, I do.’

‘Is Dean _here_?’ Sam questioned, eyebrows raised.

‘Of course he’s here,’ Cas mumbled into Dean’s skin.

Sam wrote down more on his notepad, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. ‘What’s Dean saying to you?’

‘Baby, don’t tell him, don’t tell him, Cas,’ Dean whispered into his hair.

‘I won’t,’ Castiel replied quietly. ‘He isn’t saying anything, Sam.’

The doctor nodded, setting down his pen and notepad on his thighs. He decided to abruptly change the subject, hoping to shock a useful response out of Castiel.

‘Castiel… do you have any recollection of the night your brother passed?’

‘My brother passed?’

Sam fixed Castiel with a sympathetic stare, not speaking.

‘ _My brother passed_? What does that mean?’ Cas tried again, sitting up with Dean clinging to his waist. Rage shook his body as he took in the calm, unresponsive doctor, ‘Sammy, what does that mean?’

‘Sammy?’ Sam asked quietly.

‘What does that mean?!’ Castiel repeated, voice quaking with anger.

‘Shh, Cas, it’s alright, Cas, calm down,’ Dean pleaded from his position on the floor, ‘Come on, man.’

‘This man is implying that my brother is deceased, Dean!’ Castiel shrieked, jabbing an accusatory finger in Sam’s direction.

‘I know, I know, and it’s okay! Hey, Cas, you wanna go hunting with me? Come on, let’s go huntin’!’ A wild, hopeful grin lit up Dean’s face as he spoke.

Cas cocked his head to the side, ‘What would we hunt, Dean?’

‘I hear there’s a Wendigo knockin’ about in Blackwater Ridge,’ Dean’s voice broke on some of the words, desperation colouring his tone.

‘How do you plan on destroying it, Dean?’ Castiel suddenly perked up, a blinding grin stretching across his lips, matching Dean’s. He knew how to, of course, he just wished to hear it from the man who had taught him how.

‘Gonna torch the sucker, ain’t that right, Cas? Gonna light ‘im up,’ Dean stroked Castiel’s rough cheek as he talked, a terrifying glint in his eyes.

‘Yes, Dean. Would an angel have the ability to kill one?’

‘Course it would.’

Castiel’s smile softened at the growing gentleness of Dean’s tone. ‘I’d like that,’ he uttered, leaning in closer to Dean.

‘Good, Cas, that’s great. Just go to sleep. Shh, Cas, go to sleep,’ Dean said, pulling the other man closer to his body, wrapping his arms around the Castiel’s smaller frame.

‘Okay, Dean,’ Cas murmured, eyelids fluttering closed.

Dean continued the calming motion of combing his fingers through Castiel’s dark, mussed hair. The hallucination was glad he’d kept Jimmy at bay and stopped Cas’ anger from blossoming into something dangerous.

Sam watched Castiel lean into an invisible figure. Castiel’s mind had once again closed itself off, refusing to accept the information. Sam reached for his writing equipment as he observed the now sleeping man, jotting down everything. Castiel stayed upright even in his slumber, still leaning as if he were being supported by another being. Quietly, Sam stood and left the cell, readying himself to share the development with Doctor Fuller.

 

* * *

‘Doctor Wesson! How can I help you?’ Doctor Fuller greeted.

‘Hey, uh, I was just in with Castiel,’ Sam said, taking a seat across from the older man.

‘Ah, Castiel, yes. Any progression?’ Doctor Fuller asked, shuffling through some paperwork in front of him, peering at Sam over his glasses.

‘Well… I managed to find a little more out about Dean.’

Doctor Fuller paused, placing his paperwork down, ‘Dean?’

‘Yes, I think he’s more of a constant hallucination than you first thought. See, Castiel seemed to be in his presence even when unconscious.’

‘Well, that’s quite common among patients here, Sam. Did you find anything more about Balthazar and the case?’

‘Uh, no, he seemed entirely oblivious to even his brother’s death. As far as I can tell, he still thinks he’s alive an’ kickin’.’

Sam cleared his throat and shifted nervously under the doctor’s scrutiny.

‘That’s unfortunate. Still no improvement…’

‘I don’t think so. However, I do believe Castiel is a fascinating case and… with a little more work I think I could find out more.’

Doctor Fuller sighed and removed his glasses, pressing his fingers into the sockets, lightly massaging.

‘Castiel’s case has been on-going for years, Mr Wesson. I hope you understand this.’

‘Oh, yes, of course.’

‘My best trained doctors couldn’t get to him. You’re more or less our last hope. Castiel’s brain is… extremely complex and… well, I just hope you can fix him.’

Sam sagged slightly under the pressure, ‘I hope so too.’ His reply was sincere and optimistic, eliciting a small smile to break out on the other doctor.

‘Well, thank you for today, Sam,’ Doctor Fuller said, standing up and offering his hand. Sam gripped it and shook. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Sure, thanks.’

Sam gave the doctor a tight lipped smile before making his way out of the door and through the hospital. Orderlies and medics scurried past him, attending to patients, countless bodies passed by him, demanding even the smallest flicker of attention with their movement however all the doctor’s thoughts were focused on one patient. Castiel’s case intrigued him and he was determined to figure out the younger man. Sam’s mind was consumed with thoughts and plans for the patient as he got in his car and drove back to his small apartment. His wasn’t going to give up on the killer easily. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, this is the chapter with rape in it. It's not spoken about in detail, simply said that it happened in the past but I thought I should warn anyway.

‘Crowley. He… He raped me. I was damaged,’ Cas found himself whispering hoarsely.

‘Cas, no,’ Dean’s voice was strained as he reached out to the trembling man.

‘When I came home… Balthazar was… he was teasing m-me.’

Silent tears rolled down Castiel’s cheeks as he stared absently at the floor.

‘Castiel? Are you still with me?’ Sam asked softly. The patient lifted his head slowly and stared at Sam.

‘Y…Yes.’

‘You’re doing good. _Really_ good.’

‘Sure I am, Doc.’ Weak sarcasm was infused with his words but even he knew it wasn’t effective; he sounded frail and broken.

‘Cas, _please_ ,’ Dean begged, fisting his hands in Cas’ hair.

‘Let me, Dean, please let me.’

‘But, Jimmy, Jimmy won’t like it, Cas.’

Castiel cast his watery eyes over to Dean, ‘I don’t mind, Dean. I don’t mind at all.’

A broken sob flew out of Dean’s mouth and he simply scrunched his eyes closed and gripped Castiel harder, almost painfully.

‘Castiel? Is Dean preventing you from sharing your thoughts?’

Cas turned his attention to the tired looking doctor. He noticed an interested glint in his eyes however, so decided to appease the man, ‘He is merely warning me, Doc. He’s concerned for my safety.’

Sam nodded slowly, writing the answer down on the crinkled paper.

‘Cas, please don’t, Jimmy-‘

‘I know, Dean, it’s okay,’ Castiel shot him a feeble smile in reassurance before turning back to the doctor in the corner of the room. Finding strength in Dean’s warmth, Castiel pushed on, the mental wall his brain had created beginning to crumble. ‘Balthazar angered me.’

‘What happened then, after Balthazar teased you?’

Castiel looked desperately into Dean’s eyes, searching the bright green irises. There was water playing at the edges of them, threatening to overflow. Cas’ heart clenched and he powered on.

‘I… My mind appears to be blank from that moment on. I simply remember going into the kitchen and looking at the knives for a long while. I don’t remember anything after that until I was placed in a jail cell.’

Sam’s eyes opened wide and his hand flew across the paper as he recorded the new information.

‘So you didn’t kill Balthazar?’

‘No. Of course not, he… He’s my brother!’ Castiel’s voice was wrecked and it broke at certain points, Dean squeezing his body harder each time.

‘Do you feel better now?’

‘Excuse me?’ Cas asked, wiping at his damp cheeks.

‘Opening up about the night of the incident. Do you feel better?’

Castiel looked down at his hands, ‘No.’

‘Oh?’ Sam’s voice was confused and he wrote down every detail he could.

‘No. Because now Jimmy’s incredibly angry,’ Cas smiled, baring his teeth.

Sam flinched back, ‘I think we’ve worked through enough for today, Castiel. You did very well and we can continue tomorrow.’

‘Oh, you’re not going anywhere, Sam.’ Castiel’s voice changed dramatically becoming higher and disturbingly serene. Dean dropped his hands from around the man and backed away, curling up in the corner of the room.

Sam stood up and hurriedly grabbed his things, dashing to the door.

‘You’ve hurt poor Castiel, I _explicitly_ told you not to! You _promised_!’ Jimmy roared, jumping to his feet and pouncing forward, ready to grab onto the material of Sam’s jacket. Sam was quick, however, and managed to escape, shutting the door firmly behind him. His breathing was laboured and he closed his eyes against the feral shouts coming from the man in the cell. He began to stride down the hall, alerting medics, nurses and orderlies on the ward of the situation. He didn’t bother knocking when he reached Doctor Fuller’s office.

* * *

‘Get off me you animals!’ Jimmy screeched, overriding the sound of Dean’s quiet cries in the corner.

‘Calm down, Castiel!’ the nurse, Naomi, shouted, trying to be heard.

‘Oh, Castiel went out for a little while. Says he’ll send you a postcard, _bitch_ ,’ Jimmy hissed. Naomi’s eyes widened, livid.

‘Give him the drugs,’ Naomi directed emotionlessly. After giving her a firm nod, Christian left the room to get the medicine. Jimmy’s lithe, skinny body writhed under the arms that were pinning him down, surely giving the fragile arms bruises.

‘No, no, please don’t,’ Dean whispered, tears dripping down his cheeks. The hallucination looked innocent and scared, watching Castiel being put under, his usual bravado gone.

‘Okay, he should be gone in a few minutes,’ Christian informed, looking down at the squirming patient in a condescending manner.

‘Excellent. Well, gentlemen, we should leave Castiel to calm down now,’ Naomi said, voice irritatingly cool.

The men let go of Castiel and left the room, Jimmy trying to get Castiel’s body to chase after them. The drugs dumbed him down, however and he found himself receding back into the corners of Castiel’s mind. Dean crawled forward, eyes red and puffy as they skimmed over Cas.

‘Cas, you there?’

The body below him didn’t respond so he pulled him to rest on his legs, stroking through his hair in a familiar way.

* * *

‘Doctor Fuller!’ Sam announced, breathless. The doctor in front of him jumped and took in the ruffled man in front of him.

‘Sam, please sit.’

‘I have some improvement with Castiel, I think you’ll be pleased to know.’

Doctor Fuller’s eyebrows shot up and he removed his glasses, regarding Sam in a different light.

‘Please do share your findings.’

‘Castiel was not aware of killing Balthazar as we already knew but it was definitely a product of his schizophrenia. He wasn’t aware of anything from the point he returned home to the time he was placed in jail.’

Doctor Fuller nodded, ‘Is there anything else?’

‘Well… I know what caused him to kill Balthazar.’

‘And?’

‘He was raped by a man named Crowley earlier that evening and Balthazar was teasing him, I believe. I think that’s what provoked the reaction out of Castiel and why ‘Jimmy’ emerged.’

‘It’s truly remarkable that you got this out of Castiel, Sam.’ Doctor Fuller’s face was full of respect and hope as he looked at Sam. ‘I’d lost faith in the case but… he seems to open up to you. Do you have any idea why that may be?’

Sam searched his brain before replying, ‘When I first introduced myself, Castiel assumed that I was Sam Winchester. The Sam Winchester in his mind but… older? I think the familiarity caused him to respond.’

‘Fascinating…’ The doctor’s lips pulled up in a small smile. ‘Thank you, Sam, your work is… more than appreciated. I hope you wish to continue with the case? Find out more about the events of the night. I feel you’re more than capable of finding the answers.’

Sam grinned, excited, ‘Yes, of course.’

‘If you wouldn’t mind, would you leave your notes with me to review?’

‘Oh, sure,’ Sam said, hair flying as he searched his pockets for the notes. He handed them over willingly, standing up and making his way to the door.

‘Thank you, Doctor Wesson,’ Doctor Fuller repeated, this time with more gratitude and respect in his tone.

Sam inclined his head a little before leaving the room. He heaved a breath and made his way out of the building, his thoughts focused on his troubled patient as usual.

* * *

Castiel came to in Dean’s arms, the sweet sound of his voice reaching his ears. Hey Jude seemed to be a song Dean reverted to when looking for comfort.

‘Dean?’ Castiel’s cracked voice asked.

Dean’s eyes flicked downwards, looking happily at Castiel’s face. He cradled the sick man to his chest and breathed out a sigh of relief.

‘Dude, you don’t know how happy I am to see you right now.’

‘You’ve been seeing me this whole time, Dean.’

‘Yeah but… You’re awake! And man, that last session… Thought you were gonna break.’

‘I can’t break if I’m already broken, Dean,’ Castiel replied matter-of-factly.

Dean chuckled, a dark sounding noise, ‘Hell yeah you are, Cas.’ He planted a kiss on the man’s head and hugged him tighter.

The thin patient let out a long exhale and let sleep claim him once more.

‘Cas, why don’t you use your angel mojo to zap us to ghost town, huh?’ Hunter Dean laughed.

Castiel smiled in his sleep and let himself be consumed by the dream.


	9. Chapter 9

‘Now, as Doctor Fuller tells me, I understand you drew a picture of Dean before? This was, what, a year or so ago?’

Castiel dipped his head, hiding his eyes from Sam. ‘Yes. Jimmy didn’t like it.’

Sam nodded, jotting down the response. ‘Okay. Well, Jimmy seems more willing to cooperate now, doesn’t he?’

A frown adorned Cas’ features. ‘I wouldn’t test ‘im, Doc.’

‘Could we try?’ Sam asked, fishing out a second notepad and pencil from his large jacket pocket. Castiel ‘tsked’ and shook his head in resignation. Sam pushed the blank paper toward Cas across the padded floor, careful not to get too close as Castiel never reacted well to that.

‘I want you to draw me like one of your French girls, Jack.’ Dean’s grin was huge as he sprawled himself out for Castiel.

Castiel cocked his head to the side, ‘My name is Castiel, Dean.’

Dean’s laugh boomed, crowding the room with sound. ‘Whatever. You better make me look fucking  _flawless_.’

‘My drawing skills are rather… limited.’

Sam watched the one sided exchange with interest, noting the lighter atmosphere between Castiel and his hallucination.

‘Come on, dude! You’re like freakin’ Picasso- okay, maybe that’s not so great. You gotta at least get my nose the right way up.’

‘I understand your knowledge of Picasso’s work is far from ample?’

‘Hey, man, my knowledge is based on your knowledge.’ Dean winked.

Castiel rolled his eyes and inhaled deeply, eyeing the notepad as if it had offended him.

‘Castiel?’ Sam called his attention. ‘All you need to do is give me a… a brief look at what you’re seeing.’

Cas frowned but picked up the pencil and pad, tongue sticking out in concentration as he quickly sketched the outline of Dean’s head. ‘Dean, please keep still.’

Dean’s restless form sagged as he exhaled. ‘Jesus, this is boring.’

‘I’ve been drawing for four seconds, Dean, stop being so impatient,’ Cas murmured, focusing on the line of Dean’s jaw. Castiel scowled at the sound of Sam’s small chuckle but continued to draw. Dean pulled a pouty pose, eyes on Castiel the entire time. Castiel didn’t exactly need Dean to pose, he had every detail of Dean committed to memory, every freckle, every fleck in his irises, everything. Once his drawing was complete, labels of colouring and all, he handed the paper back to Sam and folded his hands in his lap, awaiting a response. He felt calmer and also happy for the opportunity to draw Dean.

‘Christ, I look  _hot_ ,’ Dean said as he sidled up to Cas.

‘Modesty is a virtue, Dean.’

‘What’s he saying?’ Sam asked as his eyes skimmed over the detailed illustration.

Castiel turned his gaze to Sam, studying him as he in turn studied the picture. ‘He is commenting on how atheistically pleasing he looks.’

‘Aw, man,  _Cas_! Why’d you have to douche up everything I say?’ Dean groaned. Castiel didn’t answer, choosing to look at Sam.

‘This is very good, Castiel.  _Very_  good.’

Sam’s quiet words caused Castiel to shift closer to Dean, not knowing how to deal with them.

‘Say thank you,’ Dean snapped, mood shifting quickly. He slapped Castiel’s arm, the flesh turning instantly pink under the power of his palm.

‘Hey, hey, hey! Castiel!’ Sam’s worried voice reached Cas’ ears and he hung his head, keeping his gaze away from Dean. Dean hadn’t been angry in a long while and Castiel had just been getting used to his carefree attitude. Castiel looked back up at Dean and caught the look of guilt in his eyes just before it vanished, his lips pressed in a hard line.

‘Castiel, why did you just hurt yourself?’ Sam asked, voice low.

‘Don’t say anything, Castiel.’ The patient flinched at the sound of his full name coming from Dean’s lips.

‘I thought… A bug…’ His clipped excuse was weak but he couldn’t bring himself to blame Dean.

Sam nodded but his look was unconvinced. He returned to his seat having lunged forward to see to his patient. He chose to bring the topic back to Dean. ‘So, do you see Dean a lot?’

‘He’s here almost constantly.’

Dean glared at Castiel, angry that he was supplying Sam with more information than just the image of his face. ‘I thought I told you I don’t trust old man Sammy.’

‘Okay, Castiel. You’ve done  _brilliantly_  today. Thank you for showing me Dean.’

Castiel smiled at the sincerity in Sam’s voice which only earned a deadly glower from Dean. Castiel cowered away from it, closing in on himself.

‘Thank you, Sam,’ Cas addressed the doctor, voice hoarse and scared. Sam nodded at him before exiting the cell and locking it behind him.

‘Are you okay, Cas?’ Dean sounded timid as he edged towards the vulnerable patient.

‘You scared me, Dean.’

‘I know, baby, I know. I don’t want Jimmy here though. You gotta understand why, Cas, please.’ Dean’s voice was so much softer than before, concerned for Cas and begging.

The nod Castiel gave him was small but inviting, allowing Dean to come closer. ‘Okay, Dean.’

The two broken men sat close together in the centre of the cell, not speaking and not needing to.

* * *

The picture of Castiel’s Dean was burned into Sam’s retinas from the sheer amount of time he had spent looking at it since the previous day, trying to decipher where he’d seen the face before, how it had once seemed so insignificant but how he was now in such desperate need to find out who it was. The computer flicked through the hacked database, countless people lighting up the screen with images of their faces. Sam sat back, breathing wearily. The system had been at it for hours and he’d been sat to witness it, becoming more restless by the second. The computer beeped suddenly, causing Sam to bolt upright and then lean forward, eagerly drinking in the program’s findings.

‘I don’t believe it,’ Sam gasped, dropping his coffee mug the short distance from his hand to the desk, some of the liquid escaping the confines of the cup and splattering the wood. He shot up out of his chair and grabbed his briefcase, making his way back to the hospital in a hurry, impatient to share the newfound information with the other doctors.

* * *

‘Dean Smith. An old lover of Castiel’s. He matches Castiel’s drawing of  _mirage_ -Dean to a tee.’ Sam scrubbed his calloused hand over the growing stubble on his jaw, looking at the file on the computer monitor. The face that stared back at him was Castiel’s sketch in the flesh through pixels. 'I'm assuming he was before the Crowley ordeal.'

‘I can’t  _believe_  we didn’t think of this before, of looking it up,’ Doctor Fuller said from behind Sam, voice filled with annoyance.

‘How do you know he was an old lover?’ Nurse Foreman asked from the back of the room.

‘Well… it’s pretty damn obvious, isn’t it? I need to track him down for confirmation…’

‘Wait a minute, if you don’t know for sure then-‘

‘But you can’t ignore that he’s a real person, Doctor!’ Sam burst out. He sighed, ‘Look, Castiel’s based this hallucination on reality. I don’t know why I come into play, why Castiel has included me in his alternate reality, but I’m getting to the bottom of this case, okay? So  _please_ , would you help me track down Dean Smith?’

Sam faced Doctor Fuller, eyes burning into the other man’s. The older doctor exhaled loudly, ‘Yes, of course we’ll help. Of course.’

‘Thank you.’

‘He’s gonna be a bitch to find, I bet,’ Nurse Foreman piped up, bluntly. ‘But yeah, I’m in, Wesson.’

Sam smiled fondly at the younger nurse and stood up, regarding both of the room’s occupants before moving to leave the room.

‘Oh, Sam?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Look… I think it’s best that you don’t consult Castiel about this just yet. He’s rather distressed and I think it would be good to find out a little more background information from Dean himself before going in.’

‘Yes, that… yeah, I’ll do that. Thank you, doctor.’

Doctor Fuller nodded and then turned back to his desk, effectively dismissing all further conversation. Sam left the room with a little more hope settled in his chest.


	10. Chapter 10

‘Dean, Dean, Dean! I’m going to have to put you on a leash!’ Jimmy chuckled, rocking slightly on the padded floor, burying his face in Castiel’s knees.

‘Hey, Castiel,’ Nurse Foreman greeted whilst slowly opening the door to his cell.

Jimmy’s head snapped up, his eyes becoming slits. ‘Where’s Sam?’

The nurse didn’t reply, kneeling down in front of the patient and shining a torch in each of his eyes. Jimmy flinched back, blindly throwing his fists around, praying to make contact with supple flesh.

‘Where’s Sam?!’ the patient demanded.

‘Sam’s visiting someone.’

Jimmy’s eyes narrowed and he tensed up, letting the nurse continue her check.

‘Is he bored of Castiel?’

Nurse Foreman paused and looked up into her patient’s eyes. ‘ _You’re_ Castiel.’

Jimmy gasped and suddenly his body shook, Jimmy withdrawing into Castiel’s mind. ‘I’m Castiel?’

The nurse nodded and smiled, patting his cheek lightly before getting up and leaving the cell. Cas’ head lolled back and he hit the ground, falling into a dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

Sam approached the smooth oak door and knocked on it twice, pulling out his notebook and identification. It took a few moments for the man in Cas’ drawing to answer. A small smirk was on his face when the door swung open and his tie was loose.

‘Hello?’ Dean asked, looking the doctor up and down, assessing him with a confused expression.

‘Dean Smith?’ Sam asked, expending his free hand for Dean to cautiously shake. ‘My name is Sam Wesson, I’m in charge of Castiel Novak’s case.’

Dean’s eyes widened and he stepped back slightly. ‘Cas…’ he gasped, ‘Cas is… Cas is _dead_?’

Sam’s brow furrowed as he clarified. ‘No, Mr Smith, I’m Castiel’s _doctor_. He’s currently at Danvers State Hospital.’

Dean looked bewildered. ‘The… the… ya know…’ Dean whispered, making a circular motion next to the side of his head with his finger. ‘The… for the crazies?’

Sam smiled a smile devoid of joy or mirth. ‘That’s a rather unethical way of putting it. But he’s there seeking treatment for a number of disorders.’

‘And what’s that gotta do with me?’

The doctor's eyes shone as he looked at the shorter man. ‘Mr Smith, I’m going to have to ask if I can come in to discuss this further.’

Dean hesitated for a moment, pursing his lips, before he opened the door wider and stepped aside.

‘You have a lovely home,’ Sam commented.

‘Uh, thanks, but… enough with the pleasantries.’

‘As you wish,’ Sam said, moving into what he assumed to be the living area. ‘Do you live with anyone currently?’

‘No. No, not since… not since Cas.’ Dean wiped his hands nervously on his suit trousers. He sighed a small, humourless chuckle and took a seat in one of the two armchairs. Sam soon followed suit. ‘We went to college together and, uh… we just clicked, I guess. Straight out of college we moved in together and then… well, it was amazing. _He_ was amazing. But I fucked up, I guess.’

‘How so?’ Sam asked. His eyebrows rose as he jotted down Dean’s comments.

Dean rubbed a hand over his tired face. ‘Just… it was my sister’s birthday and Cas couldn’t go, said he was ill or something. He’d been depressed before so I thought he meant that. I nearly stayed home with him to make sure he didn’t do anything but… he forced me out.

‘Anyway, I got there and, uh, there were a _lot_ of hot girls… and I did miss girls, ya know? I mean, I fucking loved Cas with _everything_ but…’ Dean gestured, finishing the sentence. ‘I cheated on him. I was drunk as hell, too. He found out because Jo thought he deserved to know the truth and… he told me to get out, didn’t matter that I still loved him, that I didn’t know what I’d do without him… and I never saw him… never saw him again.’

The pain in Dean’s eyes was raw and Sam almost pitied him.

‘Sorry, who’s Jo?’

‘Oh, that’s my sister. Yeah. I told her what I did and she… she wouldn’t let me keep it from him.’

Sam nodded as he continued to scribble on the notepad.

Dean cleared his throat. ‘So, uh, do you want some coffee or somethin’?’

‘That would be great, thanks.’

‘Lemme guess, you’re the kind that take loads of cream and a shit ton of sugar?’

Sam smiled and ducked his head. ‘How did you know?’

‘Eh… you just look the type,’ Dean explained, making his way to the kitchen.

‘What do you mean I ‘look the type’?’ Sam called after him. Dean simply laughed and the sound was followed by the clatter of china and spoons. Sam tapped his pen against the pad in a consistent rhythm as he waited, his eyes scanning the room and evaluating. His gaze eventually landed on a photograph on the mantelpiece. After a sharp intake of breath he lunged forward and grabbed it, bringing it close to his face.

‘You okay there, man?’ Dean asked, voice suddenly behind the doctor. Sam’s head snapped up and he almost dropped the frame.

‘Huh? Oh yeah, I’m good… when was this taken?’

Dean racked his brain. ‘Well… that’s me ‘n Cas when we met… must’ve been about… nine years ago?’

‘I was there! That’s where I knew you from!’

‘Pardon?’ Dean placed the two mugs of coffee on the side table and scanned over the photograph himself.

‘I recognised your face when Castiel drew it.’

‘Castiel… drew me? Why?’ Dean’s eyebrows mashed together and he looked at Sam for answers.

‘I have a lot of explaining to do, Mr Smith. But first I must ask… was this Duncan and Barnes’ party?’

‘Yeah! Yeah. Where me ‘n Cas met. You were there?’

‘Yeah, pretty sure.’

‘Huh. I was nineteen then.’

‘I was twenty six.’

‘And… _why_ were you at a college frat party.’

‘Anyone can go to college, Dean.’

‘Yeah, but, this was like… how to put this nicely… it was _uncool_ of you to be _there_.’

‘Hey!’

Dean bit back a laugh before guiding Sam back to the chairs. ‘So you said… you said Cas drew me?’

Sam gulped down a sip of coffee before turning to face Dean in the chair. ‘Castiel has been at the hospital for five years. He has been emotionally and mentally unstable for that time. Do you know why he was admitted?’

Dean shook his head slowly, taking a generous swig from his own mug.

‘Castiel murdered his brother Balthazar.’

Dean spluttered and coughed. ‘What?’ he asked, voice hoarse.

‘On the night of the incident, Castiel was raped by a man he said was named Crowley. He was in a bad emotional state and we think his schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder is to blame for his brother’s murder.’

‘Wait- _schizophrenia_? Multiple what?’

‘Would you like me to name Castiel’s disorders?’

‘Uh, no, no, I just… I never realised he…’

‘It only became evident he was unstable when he was placed in jail.’

‘Cas has been to jail? Fuck,’ Dean cursed, running a hand through his short hair.

‘I take it you lost touch?’

‘Well, yeah. After I told him… he didn’t want anything to do with me. He told me to get lost and I did, thinking he needed to cool off for a little while or something, but when I went back to the house a couple of weeks later he was just… _gone_.’

‘I’m sorry you lost him.’

‘Nah, don’t worry. I fuckin’ deserved it. I should never have… Well, anyway, he… he killed Balthazar?’

‘Yes. But, as I said before, the emotional trauma of the rape brought on his schizophrenia, we believe. He doesn’t remember killing his brother. His schizophrenia is still a problem, he punishes himself a lot, gets lost within himself. He’s a very troubling case… but _intriguing_.’

‘Hey! Cas isn’t a fucking scientific project, he’s a person!’

‘I know that, of course I know that, but, from a medical point of view, he’s a very complex and interesting case.’

Dean nodded slowly and lowered his head. ‘Is he still thin?’

‘He suffers from anorexia nervosa, yes.’

‘He was thin when I knew him. Couldn’t get him to eat a damn thing most nights.’

‘That’s still a problem for us at the hospital. We mostly have to rely on supplements. I’m happy to say he seems to be improving now that I’ve taken over his case, however.’

Dean’s face was etched with grief and he scratched the back of his neck. ‘Shit… so… if you don’t mind me asking, where do I come into play?’

Sam ducked his head and pocketed his notepad, staring at Dean. ‘Castiel has hallucinations. Sometimes we can’t draw him back from the dream world he’s created. You and I are part of the hallucination. You’re a constant, however. Castiel interacts with the hallucination based on your image the most, is comforted by it and also scared by it. I asked him to draw what the vision looked like, he mentioned the name Dean a lot and also a Sam character who Castiel describes as looking like a younger version of me. After he presented me with the drawing I scanned it and… I found you. I assumed you were a past lover.’

Dean reddened slightly but ultimately punched the armrest and violently sat back in the chair. ‘Shit. I can’t believe… Oh my god.’

‘Dean, may I ask when you and Castiel broke up?’

‘Uh… it was when we were twenty three. That’s when it happened. Probably just before the… the murder.’

‘Your relationship with Castiel sounded serious.’

‘It was… hell, we were even thinking about next stage stuff. I can’t believe I fucked up that bad.’

‘I believe that after Castiel fled your shared home, he went to live with his brother.’

‘Yeah, he probably did. They were pretty close.’

Sam nodded slowly and looked down again. ‘Listen, Dean, I didn’t just come here to inform you of Castiel’s mental state, nor just to find out more of Castiel’s past from a different source.’

‘Oh?’

‘Dean… I wonder if you’d object to visiting the hospital at some point in the near future. It could be incredibly beneficial to Castiel’s recovery.’

Dean sucked in a gasp and visibly slumped in the chair. ‘I don’t know… He fucking hated me the last time I saw him.’

‘I understand. But Castiel seems to have blocked out a lot of his past. We don’t know how he’d react in all honesty. He could react violently and that could be due to Jimmy, his other personality. Or he could respond positively and come one step closer to better health. We just don’t know. But, Mr Smith, we’d like to take the chance.’

‘Of course… Well… Okay. If it means Cas can get back on his feet… I’ll do it.’

‘Thank you so much.’

‘Ah, don’t worry about it, Princess.’

Sam chuckled and leaned forward, clasping Dean’s shoulder. ‘Could I take your contact details so we could arrange a day for you to visit?’

‘Uh, sure.’

‘You can’t come now, simply because we want to make sure Castiel’s ready. He’s been troubled of late and we don’t want to shock him with your appearance.’ Sam tapped his shoulder before letting go. He scanned Dean’s face. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m… I’m good. S’just the… the thought of seeing him again… fuck. Okay, well, thanks, I guess.’

Sam smiled warmly before standing up and shaking Dean’s hand. The shorter man showed him to the door and handed him a business card with his details on.

‘Sandover?’ Sam asked, flicking his eyes over the smart piece of card.

‘Yeah, that’s where I work. Boring as hell but the pay’s amazing.’

‘I used to be a techie there.’                

‘No way! You’re a big shot doctor man, there’s no way you were a friggin’ _techie_.’

‘Yep, it happened. I kinda quit by… hitting my computer with a golf club… multiple times.’

‘No. Fucking. Way. You’re _the_ Sam Wesson? People still talk about your dramatic exit, dude. Well, good to meet ya.’

Sam laughed and inclined his head slightly, making his way down the porch steps. ‘I’ll be in touch.’

‘Sure. Oh, by the way, dye or cut your hair or some shit, Rapunzel.’ Dean shut the door, leaving Sam grinning yet self-consciously stroking a hand through his hair. Sam could understand why Castiel had shared his life with the other man, why Castiel had clung onto his memory. It made the doctor ache even more for his patient that he’d been broken so many times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I made Sam older than Dean. It was kinda necessary. He's still the younger one in Castiel's dream universe. But yeah, Dean and Castiel are both 28 while Sam is 35.


	11. Chapter 11

Castiel shuffled down the hallway, flanked by two large orderlies. His arms were tightly folded across his chest and he quaked with anxiety.

‘Castiel!’ Lisa called, running up to him despite the annoyance it caused the orderlies.

‘Hello, Lisa,’ he murmured in reply, wincing slightly.

‘Are you going down to the dayroom?’

‘Yes.’

‘I’ll walk with you then.’ Her smile was broad and easy, radiating happiness. It puzzled Castiel that she could come across so happy and genuine in a place like this. Perhaps it was the fact that she didn’t have the knowledge of her child’s murder as a burden hanging on her shoulders.

‘Thank you, Lisa, that’s very kind,’ Cas whispered, shaking.

‘You haven’t been out much.’

‘No.’

‘Have they been questioning you?’

‘A lot, yes.’

‘Have you been okay with that?’

‘I like my new doctor,’ he replied with a small smile.

‘Oh! Is he attractive?’

Castiel gave her a melodic laugh. ‘Yes but it’s not that. He seems familiar. I like that.’

‘That’s good.’ Her voice sounded genuine and left Cas feeling an emotion close to happiness.

‘It is. He doesn’t push me like my previous doctors either. For that I am glad.’

Lisa grinned at him and rubbed a hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. ‘See? Improvement already! You’ll be outta here in no time!’

They arrived in the brightly lit dayroom, various patients scattered among the tables and chairs.

‘Where do you want to sit, Castiel?’ his usual blonde nurse asked, walking up to him and Lisa.

‘I like to sit by the windows.’

‘That’s what they all say,’ she chuckled, overly friendly. ‘It’s sunny outside. Maybe you’ll be allowed out into the grounds if you’re good!’

‘I highly doubt that,’ Cas responded almost regretfully. Cas’ voice was usually constantly tinted with exhaustion, like he’d given up when he wasn’t Jimmy.

‘You never know,’ Lisa muttered in his ear.

‘They won’t let me. Last time I tried to saw my arm off with the barbed wire they have on the fences.’

‘I heard about that. Were you okay?’

‘I’m here now, aren’t I?’ Castiel said before moving to a free seat near the back of the room. Crosshatched metal covered the windows and prevented the patients from escaping.

Lisa sat in the chair opposite him and swung one of her legs, every now and then lightly tapping Castiel’s leg.

‘What do you think you’ll do when you get out?’ she asked.

Cas jumped slightly, his brain floundering. ‘I hadn’t thought about it. I’ll most likely have to finish my jail sentence anyway, once they’ve ‘cured’ me.’

‘I don’t know about that. Maybe they’ll blame it all on the crazy and you’ll be free!’ Lisa flapped her arms, giggling. Castiel joined in, laughing lightly.

‘What about you?’

‘I’m gonna open up my own shop.’

‘What kind of shop?’

‘A bakery. Little cakes, pastries, the lot!’

Castiel gagged slightly, thinking of the food. He managed to stop before Lisa looked up. He nodded and smiled at her instead, hiding his discomfort.

A black ’67 Chevy Impala came into view, appearing out from the trees. Cas’ eyes widened.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I think I’d really like to go back to my room,’ Cas said quietly, eyes trained on the vehicle beyond the window.

‘Cas, what-‘

‘I need to go!’ he roared, batting Lisa’s hand away roughly and running out of the dayroom. Two orderlies chased him and then clasped his frail arms, practically dragging him back to the cell.

Tears openly flowed down Cas’ cheeks and he looked around his cell, stricken; Dean was nowhere to be seen.

‘Where’s Dean?’ Cas screamed at the orderlies. They backed out, shutting the cell door. Castiel’s fists pounded against the entrance, his fists turning red. ‘Where’s Dean?!’

Sam Wesson’s face appeared at the thick window and Castiel ceased his punching, stumbling backwards to hit the back wall. His eyes were red rimmed from the tears and his brain was screaming with Jimmy’s protest.

‘Castiel, can I come in?’ Sam asked from behind the door.

Cas nodded slowly, concealing his face with his hands and sobbing lightly. Before entering, Sam turned to whisper something to another man.

‘Cas, are you okay?’

‘Dean’s not here,’ he said with a scratchy voice coloured with distress.

‘Your hallucination?’

‘Dean’s not here!’ he shouted, finally looking up at Sam. He realised the doctor was not alone. Stood a few paces behind him was a sheepish looking Dean. ‘Dean…’

‘This is Dean Smith,’ Sam introduced softly.

Castiel’s eyes grew to the size of saucers as he looked at the familiar man. His chest seemed to constrict and he froze, captured in the man’s gaze.

‘Where were you?’

‘Home, Cas, I’ve been at home.’ Dean’s voice broke, grief in his tone.

Cas shook his head slowly. ‘No. You were supposed to be here.’

Dean mirrored Cas’ action and dropped to the floor in front of him. ‘I’ve not been here.’

‘You’re not… you’re not Dean.’

‘Yes I am, Cas. I’m Dean.’

Cas gulped and stared at the man’s green eyes through his own watery ones.

‘Dean, I’ll be outside if anything happens,’ Sam reminded the visitor before exiting the cell.

Cautiously, Dean brought his hands up to frame Castiel’s face.

‘Cas, do you remember me?’ he croaked.

‘Of course I remember you, Dean. I saw you this morning.’

Dean lowered his head, pained. ‘No. No, Cas, you didn’t see me this morning.’

‘Yes I did,’ Cas insisted, leaning his forehead against Dean’s. ‘Yes I did,’ he repeated.

Dean sucked in a breath and his bottom lip quivered. ‘I was so fucking worried about you, Cas. And now you’ve changed so much.’

‘What?’ he asked sharply.

‘I missed you Cas. And I screwed up. I’m so sorry.’

Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes, confused and feeling betrayed. ‘What did you do?’

‘You don’t remember?’

‘Dean, I know Jimmy’s angry but you have to tell me.’

Dean’s eyes became owl-like as he looked at the patient. He dropped his hands from his face and sat back. ‘Cas, do you remember college?’

‘College? We didn’t need college. We hunted things. You don’t need degrees to hunt things.’

‘Oh god!’ Dean cried, suddenly standing and putting a hand over his eyes. ‘Baby, what happened to you?’

‘Dean, what is it? What did I do wrong?’ Cas asked worriedly, fresh tears threatening to overflow.

‘No, Cas, you didn’t do anything wrong.’ Dean exhaled loudly and dropped back down to the floor. Castiel crawled over to him and wrapped his arms around the taller man.

‘Did Jimmy hurt you?’

‘No, Cas.’

‘Did I hurt you?’

Dean looked up and stared at Cas again. ‘You did but I fucking deserved it.’

Cas suddenly went rigid and pushed himself backwards, eyes staring blankly ahead. He raked his nails up and down his arm, slowly going deeper and deeper, pressing harder, breaking the skin.

‘Woah, Cas!’ Dean lunged forward and tried to pry Castiel’s hand away from his arm.

‘What did I do, Dean? What did I do?’

‘Cas, please stop,’ Dean begged, clammy hand still pulling at Cas’ slightly bloodied one. Castiel slowed his scratching and looked Dean in the eyes.

‘What did I do?’

Dean’s hurt gaze locked with Cas’. ‘Cas, we broke up. We broke up because I was an awful person when you were the most amazing.’

Castiel gasped. ‘My head hurts,’ he whined, gripping it.

Dean scooped him up into his arms and rested his chin on Castiel’s messy mop of hair, rocking him gently. ‘It’s okay. We don’t have to talk anymore. We don’t have to talk.’

‘This feels more real than before,’ Cas whispered before falling asleep, face nestled into Dean’s black t-shirt and leather jacket. Dean held him for what felt like hours before Sam entered the room.

‘Hey, Dean. You’ve had your forty five minutes with him… I’m sorry.’

‘I thought I was fucking prepared for this. But I’m not. Nothing could have prepared me for this and you _knew_ that,’ Dean hissed, keeping the volume of his voice low so not to wake Cas.

Sam frowned a little and grabbed the chair from the corner of the room. ‘As far as I can tell, he didn’t issue and violen-‘

Dean cut him off by showing Cas’ arm, streaked with red marks and dried blood.

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah, oh. He wasn’t ready. He couldn’t tell that I was real and that’s fucking scary, Sam.’ Dean’s eyes were wild as he addressed the doctor.

‘I’m sorry you’re involved in this, Dean. But Castiel needs to recover. And there are some things he just needs to remember to get better.’

‘I know,’ Dean whispered, kissing the top of Castiel’s head. ‘I missed him so much, I never moved on. God, I fucked up.’

‘You can’t keep beating yourself up about it,’ Sam said, eyes filled with empathy.

Dean tittered and looked away. ‘Feels like you’re drawin’ me into the crazy. You’re not my psychiatrist, dude.’

‘I know I’m not. I’m just saying. I’m sure if Castiel was better he’d forgive you. It’s obvious he can’t let you go.’

‘Just because I stuck in his grapefruit, don’t mean he’d forgive me,’ Dean spoke sadly, glancing down at the man in his arms. ‘Christ, he’s so thin. You doctors haven’t done shit.’

Sam sat up a little straighter, puffing out his chest. ‘If you’d seen him a few months ago, I think you’d disagree.’

Dean clicked his tongue and looked directly at Sam, changing the subject. ‘This can’t be cheap keepin’ him here. Who’s paying for him.’

‘No one. He’s here because the government ordered it. If he wasn’t mentally unstable, Dean, he would be in jail.’

‘Cas isn’t a bad person.’

‘I know he’s not. It’s how his brain has dealt with trauma that’s the bad thing. And we’re helping him cope here.’

Dean nodded and stroked his hand through Cas’ hair. ‘I guess I trust you not to completely fuck this all up.’

Sam grinned. ‘Thanks, that means a lot.’

Dean smiled before shifting slightly, keeping his eyes on the sleeping patient. ‘Would I… could I come to see him again?’

‘Of course. I was scared you wouldn’t want to come back, actually.’

‘Yeah, well I’m not letting him go again.’


	12. Chapter 12

‘Jimmy… Jimmy, please… where’s… where’s Dean?’ Castiel begged for an answer. His hushed voice was loud in the practically empty cell. ‘He’s been gone for weeks just _please_ give him back,’ he continued, sobbing into his calloused hands.

‘These scratches are fresh, Castiel,’ Doctor Fuller said, seeming to appear out of nowhere, running his fingers over Cas’ red streaked arms.

‘So what?!’ Cas screamed, his voice breaking.

Doctor Fuller frowned and pulled back. ‘Nurse Foreman, have the medics and orderlies prepared in case Castiel reacts violently.’

The nurse nodded briskly before exiting the cell.

‘Where’s Dean?’

‘I don’t _fucking know_!’ Castiel shrieked, rocking. ‘I don’t know and _he_ won’t tell me!’ He jabbed a finger to his forehead, pressing into the flesh.

The doctor pulled out his pen and scribbled on his hand. ‘Okay, thank you, Castiel. Someone will be in to assist you and to help you calm down.’

Cas turned his wide, red rimmed eyes on the doctor. ‘I can’t calm down! Dean’s still missing! He’s left Sam and he’s gone! He left me, Doc, he left me!’

‘Please calm down, Castiel.’

Cas cried brokenly and faced away from the doctor, curling in on himself. Doctor Fuller scanned his eyes over the patient for a moment before leaving. He dug around in his pocket and pulled out his phone.

‘Doctor Wesson?’

‘ _Yeah?_ ’

‘I need you in my office. Now.’

‘ _Sure, I’ll be right there… is something the matter?_ ’

‘I need you to discuss Castiel with me here at the hospital,’ Doctor Fuller replied sternly, hastily making his way back to his office.

‘ _Of course_.’

The line went dead and the doctor replaced his phone in his pocket, office door flying open. He ran his fingers through his sparse hair and took a seat at his desk. Mere minutes seemed to pass before Sam rapped on the door.

‘Come in.’

Sam peered around the door and then entered, shutting the door behind him. ‘Doctor Fuller,’ he greeted.

The doctor pursed his lips and gestured for Sam to take a seat. His fingers touched to make a steeple and he leaned forward. ‘It appears Castiel’s hallucination of Dean has disappeared since you introduced the… _real_ Dean.’

Sam nodded before the doctor finished speaking. ‘Yes, Castiel has expressed his concern about that during our meetings.’

‘I don’t know whether this is a negative or positive thing… I’m pleased that the hallucination seems to have gone but… Castiel seems more distressed than ever.’

‘He’s been harming himself more,’ Sam commented. ‘What do you… How do you want me to deal with this?’

‘I suggest we bring Dean in again. This may appease Castiel and… coax him back into reality.’

Sam inclined his head. ‘Mr Smith has said that he’d like to see Castiel again. I’ll call him. Excuse me,’ Sam muttered as he stood up, pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialling Dean’s number.

* * *

‘When you get out, Cas, when you get out it’s all gonna be so good. We’ll be so good, Cas,’ Dean whispered into Cas’ hair, kissing it lightly. Castiel nodded along with Dean’s words and burrowed into him.

‘I missed you.’

‘I missed you too, Cas,’ Dean replied, rocking him slightly.

‘When will I get out, Dean? You have to help me get out,’ he said, voice gaining volume and becoming more hysteric.

‘Shh, Cas, sh, it’s alright. I’ll help you get out, we’ll get you out.’

‘You’ll help me leave,’ Cas muttered, combating the sound of Jimmy screaming in his head. ‘I’ll get out, I’ll leave.’

Dean smiled. ‘And we’ll get a piano, like you always wanted, do you remember that, Cas?’

‘No,’ he croaked.

‘We’ll get one. We will.’

‘I feel like I’m falling, Dean. I’m falling.’

‘You’re not falling, I’ve got you.’

‘I’m falling, Dean. I’m falling,’ Cas repeated, shutting his eyes tightly.

* * *

‘Mr Smith?’

Dean’s head snapped up and he was faced with a worn looking doctor. ‘Yeah, that’s me.’

‘My name is Doctor Aaron Fuller, I was working full time with Castiel before Doctor Wesson.’

‘Huh…’ Dean replied, taking the doctor’s outstretched hand and refraining from saying _well you did a pretty piss poor job of fixing him_.

‘I was wondering if you had a minute?’

‘I may have.’

Doctor Fuller chuckled lightly and gestured to the hallway. ‘Please, come to my office.’

‘Sure thing, Doc.’

The doctor stared at Dean for a moment and then took off down the almost empty hallway. The office was at the end of it and Dean slumped in the offered seat once they got there.

‘Dean. It, uh, it feels ridiculous now that we hadn’t actually turned to people aside from Castiel to find out more information about Castiel’s past. But, I was wondering if-‘

‘If I’d spill my guts on everything Cas?’ Dean finished, quirking an eyebrow.

Doctor Fuller leaned forward in his chair, resting his clasped hands on the wooden desk in frot of him. ‘It is crucial that we… know as much as possible about the patient so we can help them make progress.’

Dean nodded slowly and gazed out of the window, sitting up in the uncomfortable chair. Doctor Fuller’s method was relaxed but Dean still felt like he was being interrogated.

‘Well, Doc, what’d’ya wanna know?’ He finally focused his eyes on the man in front of him.

‘Tell me, what do you actually know about Castiel’s past? Do you know the origin of Castiel’s depression?’ At Dean’s more exaggerated eyebrow quirk, the doctor began to explain himself. ‘Doctor Wesson mentioned to me that, during his time with you at your home, you were aware that it wasn’t uncommon for Castiel to go through depressed spells.’

‘Yeah. I guess I’d be that fucked up too if I’d had _his_ childhood.’

‘Please, do explain.’

‘I think I was the only thing keeping him sane, really. His dad… his dad was a deadbeat. And when he _was_ around, he’d… he’d hurt Cas. Cas’ mom had died and his dear old dad blamed it on Cas who was just a kid. He made his other kids watch, too, Balthazar included. He was a sick son of a bitch and, uh, he got what was coming to him. He died. And Balthazar was just… He was _there_ for Cas the whole time even if he couldn’t do much about it. Then Cas met me and I was there for him too. So you can imagine how he reacted and how he must have felt when I… When I did that to him.’

Doctor Fuller’s eyes widened behind his glasses. He took in Dean’s regretful expression and rigid frame.

‘I’m sorry he had to endure that pain… Dean, I’m assuming you know what happened to Castiel just before the murder?’

Dean gulped down the bile that rose in his throat. ‘Yeah, some sick bastard fucking… laid his hands on Cas,’ he grit out through clenched teeth.

The doctor nodded gravely and steepled his fingers. ‘If Castiel were to recover from his conditions, how do you plan to go from there?’

‘I want to… I want to make sure Cas is safe… I want to make sure he knows I love him… and I want, more than anything, for him to be happy and… _well_.’

Doctor Fuller smiled fondly at the younger man. ‘Thank you, Mr Smith. For the information and for the support. Castiel needs someone like you around. I trust that you will continue your visits?’

‘Of course. I’m not letting Cas leave again. ‘Fraid he’s stuck with me, Doc.’

Dean smiled and stood, walking over to the door. ‘Later, Doc.’

‘Goodbye, Dean.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm struggling to make a decision on whether the ending should be sad or happy... any thoughts? Also, I'm sorry for slow updates and such, I have just overloaded myself with fics and I never finish anything, but I _will_ finish this.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't even realise how long it had been since I'd updated this! So, so sorry, I promise the next update will be quicker and hopefully longer.

‘So,’ Sam started, crossing his legs and sitting back in his chair. ‘How are we today, Castiel?’

Cas was restlessly tapping his bony fingers on his thigh in a random rhythm. ‘G-good. Good. I’m good.’ He sucked in a deep breath of air and let his eyes flick back and forth over the padded floor.

Sam raised a disbelieving eyebrow but decided to move on to a more pressing question. ‘What about your hallucinations? Are they occurring as frequently now?’

‘Hallucinations?’ Cas’ eyes focused on the doctor in front of him. ‘I don’t hallucinate.’

‘Okay. Well, what have you been thinking about recently? Has Dean been around?’

Cas frowned and scratched at a phantom itch on his wrist. ‘I have been thinking about Dean. And of course he has, he’s always here… not always… but he visits now.’

‘Are we talking about Dean Winchester?’

‘No.’

Sam grinned at his patient, jotting down his answer. ‘Oh?’

‘Dean Smith. He…’ Castiel trailed off and his gaze became glazed.

‘Castiel?’

‘Dean Smith.’

Sam inclined his head minutely and then leaned forward. ‘Do you know where Dean is now?’

Cas smiled fondly, looking at the ground bashfully and continuing to scratch. ‘Dean told me he was going to visit his sister today. He said they were going to play pool.’

‘Sounds great. Did you want to go with him?’

Castiel pressed his fingernails into the skin more deeply, almost drawing blood. ‘I did. I wanted to be there. I wanted to get away.’

‘Please stop scratching, Castiel,’ Sam said, squinting his eyes at the red mark. Cas immediately ceased. Sam’s mouth opened in shock; his patient would never normally listen to a request like that before and would have had to be restrained physically. ‘Thanks… Oh, uh, anyway…’ He cleared his throat and carried on. ‘Do you want to get better, Castiel? So you can go out with Dean?’

‘I’ve missed Dean,’ he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. He breathed out shallowly as a single tear slipped down his cheek. ‘Yes. I want to get better,’ he murmured, voice barely audible.

‘Is Jimmy angry that you want to get better?’

‘Jimmy’s been… Jimmy’s been quiet.’ Cas wiped away the dampness on his cheek and hugged his knees to his chest. ‘I don’t know what Jimmy wants. He won’t tell me.’

‘It’s good that he’s not angry. Really good, Castiel.’

Cas nodded in agreement and then sighed quietly. ‘Sam.’

‘Yes?’

‘Sam… I need…’ Castiel paused and let another tear fall. His voice became clogged up and scratchy. ‘Sam, I don’t know… what’s real. Can you please tell me… what’s real?’

Sam’s eyebrows rose as he stared at the patient over the rims of his glasses. ‘ _This_ is real, Castiel.’

Castiel’s once distressed expression suddenly cleared and a bright smile lit up his face. ‘Dean told me about what would happen when I got out. He told me I could do anything. And we’d be together.’

The doctor ducked his head and smiled at the notepad in front of him, writing everything down. ‘That’s fantastic, Castiel. What did he tell you?’                               

* * *

‘Shit, Cas! You look amazing!’ Dean praised as he entered the cell. Castiel grinned up at him and stood. He’d been calm for the entire week, something no one expected. He still hadn’t put on any weight but his cheeks had colour and his eyes looked brighter, less clouded with drugs. The freshest marks on his arms and hands were faded.

‘Thank you, Dean.’ Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and pressed his head into the other man’s shoulder.

Dean smiled into Castiel’s hair and squeezed him tighter. He resented the burning sensation on the back of his neck which told him an orderly was watching him like a hawk but he grudgingly understood why.

‘What do you wanna talk about today, Cas?’

Castiel smiled coyly as he drew back from Dean, still keeping contact. ‘Anything, Dean, anything.’

‘Well okay then,’ Dean said with a smile. ‘We can go out today.’

Cas’ eyes widened in excitement and anticipation. ‘ _Out_?’

Dean frowned in sympathy. ‘No, not _out_ out, but we can go to the dayroom. Would you like that?’

The other man began to bite his nails, ripping the ends off with his sharp teeth. ‘Okay… yes, okay, yes.’

Dean looked at him sceptically. ‘You sure?’

‘Yes, Dean!’ he snapped, eyes glazing over slightly. Dean gave him a weak smile and guided him out of the cell with a hand lightly touching his lower back. He nodded at the orderly as he passed him and took Cas to the dayroom. A number of patients were scattered around at the available tables.

‘There anyone you wanna sit with?’ Dean asked gingerly.

Castiel vigorously shook his head and then lightly placed a hand on Dean’s forearm. ‘I only wish to sit with you, Dean.’

Dean smiled and led Cas to an empty table and sat across from him, holding both of his hands in his own. ‘So you’re doing good?’

‘I feel better, Dean, yes.’ Castiel smiled warmly and squinted against the strip of sunlight streaming in through the window. Dean stroked his thumb over Cas’ knuckles and grinned back.

‘That’s great… it’s great.’ Dean paused, deliberating. ‘You think when you get out of here… you’ll come back? Home?’

Castiel’s smiled weakened and he stared at Dean for a long moment. ‘I’m still… I still hurt, Dean. You understand?’

‘Yeah, Cas, I understand but… I miss you, man. So damn much. It’s not been the same.’

Cas’ eyes raked over Dean’s sorrow filled features and the teeth that were sinking into his plump lips. ‘You do? Miss me?’

‘Yeah, of course.’

The patient nodded slowly and looked out the pane of glass at the hospital grounds. ‘I do miss you too.’

The corner of Dean’s mouth quirked upwards. ‘You do?’ he echoed.

‘And I want to get out of here… I’m angry that I can’t go. But I’m getting better, aren’t I?’ Castiel sounded timid and small, biting his chapped bottom lip.

‘Yeah, you’re doing awesome.’

‘Awesome.’ Cas grinned.

‘So you’ll come home?’ Dean stared levelly at the man before him, attempting composure when his voice gave away his insecurity.

‘Where else would I go?’ Cas croaked, smiling fondly. Dean’s face split into a large grin and he stroked Cas’ hands again.

‘Castiel?’

Dean looked up to see a pretty brunette girl hovering near the table he and Cas had occupied. He tilted his head at her and glanced back at Cas who was softly smiling but the smile was slightly off. He slouched back in his chair and murmured, ‘Hello, Lisa.’


	14. Chapter 14

‘Who’s this?’ Lisa asked, shamelessly raking her eyes up and down Dean. Dean grimaced and kept his eyes focused of Castiel’s face, skin prickling under Lisa’s hungry scrutiny.

Cas closed his eyes and smiled a little. It seemed dangerous. ‘This is Dean, Lisa.’

Lisa’s eyes widened and she looked thoroughly confused. ‘Dean?’

‘Yes, Lisa, this is Dean!’ Castiel shouted, glaring up at her suddenly.

‘Okay, Castiel, okay,’ Lisa soothed, warily eying the orderly nearby. ‘It’s okay.’ Lisa smiled widely at Dean and extended her hand. ‘Hello, Dean, my name is Lisa, I’m Castiel’s friend.’

Cas laughed manically and slouched back in his chair again. Lisa coughed and dropped her hand as Dean squinted at her.

‘Well, Castiel, it was wonderful to see you. You should come here more, it would be good for you.’ Lisa placed her hand gently on Castiel’s shoulder. He flinched away from the touch as if he were being branded with a hot poker, nearly falling off his chair.

‘Woah, Cas, you okay, man?’

‘Dean, we’re grand,’ Cas replied with a huge grin and a wink. Dean’s stomach twisted as he looked at the patient in front of him. Lisa silently drifted away to another table and watched the two men.

‘ _We’re_?’ Dean asked in a hoarse voice.

‘Yes.’

The wide grin was still in place as Castiel stared out of the window, a faraway look in his eyes.

‘Hey, Cas?’

‘Yes, Dean?’

‘You think maybe we should… go back now? You look… tired…’

Castiel slowly turned to look at Dean in the eyes detecting the hint of fear in them. ‘You’re afraid,’ he stated.

‘No I’m not.’

Cas smiled sweetly and tightly gripped at Dean’s hands. ‘You are. You’re scared. I understand. Castiel’s a little… threatening when he gets like this.’

Dean’s brow furrowed. ‘Uh… okay, I’m gonna be blunt, what the fuck are you talking about?’

‘Cas- me.’

Dean’s forehead didn’t smooth out. ‘You said you felt better, right?’

‘Well, yes, they’ve reduced my medication significantly. Because of you, Dean. You made this happen.’

‘Cas, you seem a little off right now, how about we take you back, huh?’

‘Oh, Dean Winchester, you see a hint of the crazy and you run, is that it?’ Castiel seemed tired and worn as he said it.

‘No, Cas, that’s not it.’ Dean worried his bottom lip with his teeth and then leaned forward a bit, staring directly into Castiel’s eyes. ‘Castiel, I am not going to leave you,’ he said sincerely.

Cas blanched at that and withdrew his hands, bringing his knuckles up to his mouth and beginning to nibble at them. ‘I’m gonna be around for a while, that’s a long time, Dean. You can’t always be around for him- me. You can’t.’

Dean dipped his head to look at the false wooden table. ‘I can try.’ Dean shot him a weak smile before standing up and extending his hand out for Cas to take. ‘Come on, let’s get you back.’

Cas suddenly grinned. ‘See! Even now you’re trying to get rid of me, honestly-‘

‘Castiel Novak, I would never wanna get rid of you,’ Dean assured with a smile, squeezing his hand.

‘Okay,’ he replied softly, allowing Dean to lead him back to his room.

‘Cas?’

‘Y-yes?’

‘You… you remember it all, don’t you?’

‘How can I possibly know if I remember it all?’ he asked, staring at Dean’s profile as they moved down the halls.

‘I just- I’ve gotta know that you remember.’ Dean sounded pained, desperately hoping.

The corners of Castiel’s mouth pulled up sadly. ‘We don’t know.’

Dean frowned and was quiet until they reached Castiel’s door. ‘We’re here.’

‘I know.’

Dean cleared his throat and when he turned to stare at Castiel, his eyes were glassy. ‘You want me to come back, right?’

Cas bit back the urge to shriek ‘ _no_ ’ and beamed at Dean. ‘Of course, Dean. Please come back.’

Dean nodded and then pulled Cas into a tight hug which he returned. ‘Okay, Cas, okay, I’ll come back when I can.’

‘Are you alright, Dean?’ Castiel murmured into his hair.

‘I’m fine, Cas. You go get some rest or somethin’.’

Dean leant back, looked into Castiel’s eyes for a moment to long, waved and then strode back down the corridor.

Cas allowed himself to smile and let himself back into his room, sitting himself on the floor.

‘He fucking hates you. Could you see it? He fucking _hates_ you. You _repulse_ him, Castiel.’

Cas bit down on his bottom lip and slammed his head back against the wall, tearing the skin on his forearm apart with his incessant scratching. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely awful with my updates, aren't I?   
> I was supposed to post a few days ago but I've been sleeping loads and wearing a Sherlock shock blanket. Wow, excuses.

‘Castiel?’ Nurse Foreman murmured again. He continued to stare just over her shoulder with glazed eyes. She sighed and stood up from her crouch.

Sam huffed out a sigh and dragged a hand over his stubbled chin. ‘I don’t know what to do, Lara.’

She smiled sympathetically and walked over to the taller doctor. ‘He’s been quieter and more… self-destructive since last month. Any idea what might have caused that?’

‘Dean… uh… Mr Smith hasn’t visited since then. God, why haven’t I talked to him sooner?’

‘Trust me, Doctor Fuller’s tried to call him, many times, he’s not picking up… Think Cas here cracked him?’

‘I… I didn’t… I… He hates me,’ Castiel croaked from his position against the wall. The nurse’s eyebrows rose in surprise and Sam quickly moved forward, closer to his patient.

‘Why would you ever think that?’

Castiel’s eyes shifted and he stared at the doctor for a moment, his eyebrows pulling together. ‘I’m fucking _crazy_!’

‘Please don’t shout, hun, you don’t want me to get the orderlies, do you?’

‘No, miss, no,’ Castiel whispered before addressing Sam again. ‘You know, Sam, I think Jimmy scared him away.’

Sam’s eyebrows drew together and he pursed his lips. ‘Jimmy did this? Do you know why?’

‘So many _questions_ , doctor!’ Castiel hummed with a small smile.  ‘Jimmy’s not going to like it. He’s angry anyway that we lost Sam. Winchester, that is. The devil got him!’

Sam Wesson sighed and rubbed his fingers over his eye sockets. ‘I thought those hallucinations were no longer a problem, Castiel.’ He looked defeated.

Cas grinned. ‘I like that you don’t know how to fix him, doc. He’s broken.’

‘He’s not broken,’ another voice murmured from the doorway. All three of the cell’s inhabitants looked to see the source of the voice. ‘You’ve never really been broken, Cas.’

‘Dean,’ he gasped.

‘Oh my god.' Sam grinned and stood up to shake Dean’s hand. ‘Thank you for coming.’ Sam looked behind Castiel’s visitor to see Doctor Fuller hovering across the hall. ‘Thank you, Doctor Fuller.’

The older doctor smiled and dipped his head slightly before retreating back down the corridor, most likely heading to his office.

‘I guess I really did need to see him,’ Dean forced out of his dry throat.

Sam’s eyes glinted, gratitude clear in his expression. ‘You’ve come just in time, he was beginning to show… well, his was returning to his previous self. He's been sleeping on the floor instead of his bed again, mentioning Balthazar hallucinations and, just now, more of Sam Winchester. We were concerned. I think you’ll be good for him.’

‘I hope so.’

Nurse Foreman’s face split in two with a blinding grin. ‘So nice of you to drop by. You two have fun, I’ll let the other orderlies know you’re here.’

Dean nodded and answered with a small smile, ducking his head down.

‘Dean?’

‘Yeah?’

Sam frowned and searched the other man’s expression. ‘Are you sure you’re okay to do this? To see him?’

Dean gulped and looked behind the doctor at Castiel’s worried features. ‘Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be fine… it’ll be good.’

‘Okay. I’ll be right outside with the orderlies if you need me.’

‘Sure.’

And with that, Sam left Dean and Castiel alone, a heavy silence wrapped around them.

‘Cas…’ Dean began after a few moments.

‘Oh, you’d like to talk to Cas? It doesn’t just work like that, Dean.’

Dean frowned and slowly edged closer to the other man. ‘Cas, if we can just-‘

‘You’ve been quite the spanner in the works, Dean.’ Cas’ head rolled from side to side against the wall of the cell, tired, purple circled eyes tracking Dean constantly.

‘I have?’

‘Yes… I just… I don’t know what to do with you…’

Dean rubbed his fingers over his lips and looked at Cas through his lashes. ‘I know we haven’t exactly _talked_ talked about this but… Cas, will you move in with me? When you get out?’

‘ _When_ , you say that like it’s going to happen.’

‘It is, Castiel. You gotta believe… believe in yourself.’

Castiel broke into a smile and laughed. ‘You’re cheesy.’

Dean grinned. ‘Yeah, I am.’

 Cas’ grin quickly slipped off his face. ‘You were scared. I scared you away with how I acted and you wish to _move in_ with  _me_ again.’

‘Woah, Cas, your head’s like… shaking. You want me to get a nurse or somethin’?’ Dean looked around, avoiding the question and trying not to focus on Castiel’s practically vibrating head.

‘Oh, you know, this is just something that happens sometimes. I start shaking. Do you think you can really deal with this, Dean?’ Castiel locked his darkened eyes with Dean’s and his breath quickened.

‘Calm down, I’ll get you somebody.’

‘You can’t deal with it, Dean! I’m going to be stuck here forever!’ Castiel shouted. Two sad looking orderlies unlocked the door and made their way in then, attempting to escort Dean out of the cell.

‘Now hang on, I haven’t had my forty fucking minutes!’ Dean growled, all of his previous timid demeanour falling away.

‘Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, the patient is in distress.’

‘Hold the fuck up! Jesus, get off me!’ Dean squirmed against one of the orderly’s vice like grip on his upper arm.

‘Sir, he can’t deal with me,’ Castiel chanted quietly, a sick grin on his face.

‘I can, Cas, god, can we just talk?!’

‘Sir, please quieten your voice, you may upset the other patients.’

Dean stared at the other man in disbelief. ‘What other patients? Cas is at the end of the fucking hall! There’s no one else down here!’

The other orderly stepped closer to Dean. ‘Please, Mr Smith, calm down.’

Castiel watched on with quiet amusement, picking at the skin on his thin forearm and turning it red.

Sam watched the ordeal from the doorway, sighing disappointedly. ‘Square one.’


	16. Chapter 16

Castiel smiled up at his doctor and then tapped his chin. ‘I actually feel… happy.’

Sam’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline but he grinned in response. ‘Yeah?’

Cas nodded and looked at the floor. ‘Yeah.’ Soon his smiled faded. Sam picked up on it and tried to make eye contact with his patient.

‘Castiel?’

His head shot up, attentive.

‘What’s wrong?’ Sam’s hand held a pen and was poised over his notepad.

Cas rubbed his upper arm and let out a long breath. ‘I just… I feel like there’s this… _hole_.’

Sam tilted his head. ‘A hole?’ Cas nodded. ‘Do you know why that could be?’

Another sigh. ‘Dean. It’s Dean.’

The doctor shifted, placing his pen and pad on the floor under his chair, and leaned forward. ‘Castiel… we can’t let you see him again. Just yet, anyway.’ Castiel’s suddenly watery eyes met Sam’s. ‘You understand why?’

‘Of course I fucking do. Dean’s an asshole and I’m fucking insane,’ Castiel snapped, his mood shifting. He threw himself backwards, his back slamming into the chair he was sat on.

‘Calm down, Castiel,’ Sam warned, discreetly eyeing the door to see if there was an orderly on hand.

Cas breathed in violently through his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep Jimmy at bay. He’d been improving over the last month since his slip up.

‘Okay?’ Sam asked tentatively. Castiel nodded and then prepared himself to answer properly.

‘I miss Dean. I do. A lot. I can’t help it, I’m sorry.’

Sam’s expression turned sympathetic. ‘You don’t have to be sorry, Castiel. It’s fine to miss someone. The question here is whether you’d be prepared to see him again?’

Castiel stared at a spot just over Sam’s shoulder for a long while, contemplating. As he waited, Sam pursed his lips and squinted his eyes, thinking.

‘Hmm.’

Cas looked at the doctor in question, the small noise snapping him out of his reverie.

‘I was wondering, Castiel, if you’d like to try something different?’

‘Different how?’ Castiel responded hastily, his voice guarded.

Sam stood and gestured for his patient to do so as well. ‘Would you like to get some fresh air?’

‘Fresh air where?’ Castiel began to pick at the skin of his arm, eyes darting around and not focusing on anything in particular.

‘Please, relax. I know you haven’t been outside in a long while but… I feel you’d benefit from walking in the gardens.’

Castiel stared up at the taller man in disbelief. He’d wanted to go outside for so long.

‘It’s not fair to keep you inside all the time,’ Sam added, inclining his head towards the door.

Castiel grinned and let out a small chuckle before following behind Sam. Sam murmured into the orderly’s ear once they had left the cell and he began to follow them both. Castiel nibbled at his bottom lip and scrunched his sleeve up tightly in his fist, trailing behind Sam and staring at all of the people they passed. He thought he glimpsed Lisa but he didn’t call her over, simply walking on.

 

* * *

The air felt good in his lungs and the grass was squishy beneath his feet; he’d missed it.

‘Do you feel better, Castiel? Calmer?’

‘Yes… thank you, Sam.’

Sam tipped his head in acknowledgement, beginning to stroll across the lawn. The weak sunlight shone on them as they moved and began to talk.

‘Do you feel like you can answer my question now?’

‘I think...’ Castiel croaked. He swallowed to wet his throat and began again. ‘I think I’d like that. To see him again.’

Sam smiled. ‘I think that’s best. I know the last time you saw each other was… explosive. But I think it would help.’

‘Doc knows best, huh?’ Castiel smirked, continuing to play with his sleeve.

Sam chuckled but didn’t reply. Castiel enjoyed the silence but he also felt he needed to break it and share what he was thinking.

‘Uh… I think the reason it would be good to see him is… not only because I miss him but… also…’

The doctor looked expectantly at his patient. When it was clear Cas wasn’t going to continue, Sam ceased walking and, in turn, made Castiel stop. Castiel was chewing on his bottom lip.

‘Castiel?’

‘I would like to move in with him… after this is over.’

Sam frowned a little and nodded slowly. ‘Okay… Would you like my advice, Castiel?’

Cas scowled at the doctor’s casual talk but made a noise of agreement.

‘I think it’s great you’re thinking towards the future but… is this really what you want?’

‘Where else m’I gonna go?’ he murmured with a titter. Sam stared at him until he sighed and adjusted his position. ‘I love him. I always have. I know that. Some… I know I don’t remember everything, however, I believe I would be best with him. I think we need each other, in a way.’

‘I can’t argue with your reasoning.’ Sam started to walk again and Castiel automatically followed, the orderly not too far behind. ‘When the hospital, and me, see you to be fit for release, we’ll have to ensure that where you’re going is appropriate though, a good place to be for your recovery after the hospital.’

‘I know. You’re not just gonna let a crazy like me walk free to go wherever the hell he pleases,’ Castiel sighed, running a hand through his wind ruffled hair.

‘I wouldn’t think of it like that. Here at the hospital we only want what’s best for you, Castiel.’

‘I know. It’s… it’s frustrating.’

‘It is.’ Sam stopped talking until they’d completed their walk around the perimeter of the grounds. ‘After you’ve been released you’ll have to attend further therapy sessions and also still have to take various medications for your disorders.’

Castiel looked angry at this but only huffed rather than commented.

‘I understand it’s not the most convenient thing and you’d like to get on with your life but-‘

‘Yeah, doc, I get it, only want what’s best for me, I’ve heard it all before. We’re- I’m cold, can we please go inside?’

Sam scanned Castiel’s face, concerned, but gave in and opened the door for Cas, escorting him back to his room.

‘I’ll be back in two days, Castiel. I think it would be beneficial to talk about the future further.’

‘Alright,’ Castiel replied dismissively before throwing his skinny frame on his mattress and burying his face in his thin hospital pillow.

Again, Sam frowned in concern but decided to leave Castiel for the time being, alerting the orderly that he was leaving and then taking off down the hallway.

* * *

‘Any improvement to report?’ Doctor Fuller asked.

Sam nodded and gave him a tight lipped smile. ‘Castiel was very talkative today which was refreshing. And I think we should be allowing him outdoors more. Like the other patients.’

‘You don’t believe he’s dangerous to the others?’

‘Well, not today. He was perfectly calm. Only showing signs of slight distress at the very end of my visit.’

Doctor Fuller’s eyebrows drew together but he didn’t comment, instead letting Sam continue with his report.

‘Uh, also, we talked a little about what his life would be like upon his release.’ The older doctor made a sound of interest, leaning forward. ‘Yeah, uh, he expressed that he’d like to stay with Mr Smith.’

‘Ah… That could be problematic.’

‘No, sir, actually, I think it would be good. Besides, where else would he be placed?’ Sam replied, voicing Castiel's earlier concern.

‘In a half-way house in order to adjust. And then we’d see about him getting his own accommodation. Doctor Wesson, please don’t tell me that, after that outburst, you’re suggesting Mr Novak be placed in the care of Mr Smith?’

Sam fidgeted in his seat before nodding. Doctor Fuller threw his hands up in the air before Sam jumped in to explain his plans, his professional mask slipping. ‘Okay, maybe it’s not the wisest thing to do but _not_ seeing Dean’s actually one of the _only_ things that’s been upsetting him. I mean, he’s been improving, right? And I think that if we let Dean visit again, we could guarantee whether or not Castiel would be… happy in his care.’

Doctor Fuller didn’t look pleased as he leaned back and exhaled. ‘I’m not sure another visit would be good for the patient.’

‘I… I’d have to disagree. That was one incident and I think, in order to be sure of our decision, we need to get Dean back in. It would please Castiel and, if things were to get out of hand, we’d have people, professionals, there to deal with it.’

‘Just the fact that you’re allowing there to be the possibility for it to get out of hand makes me extremely doubtful, Sam.’

Sam slouched and rubbed a hand over his face, tired of trying to convince his boss. ‘Look, sir, I firmly believe that this is the right thing to do. I’m thinking of Castiel’s happiness here. If there’s a chance we can supply him with that, and also Dean, by the looks of things, I think we should take it.’

Doctor Fuller sighed wearily and stared at Sam with discontent in his eyes. ‘I’ll think about it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently got a book which explained more about asylums and hospitals so hopefully my chapters will be more accurate from now on... I hope so anyway. I'm not sure if I'm half basing it on older and newer hospitals at the same time...? Ahhh, I don't know.


	17. Chapter 17

‘Coffee?’  Dean asked in lieu of a greeting.

‘Sure.’ Sam glanced warily at Dean’s tired demeanour, stepping into his house. Dean simply accepted Sam’s visit, like he’d been expecting it for a while.

‘Sit.’

Sam pursed his lips and made his way into the lounge, taking the same seat that he’d sat in months ago. Dean’s coffee table was cluttered and a lot of the pictures on the mantelpiece were facing the wall, obscured from view. Sam frowned, eyes zeroing in on the frame he knew contained the picture of Dean and Castiel at the party.

Dean re-entered the room and handed Sam a steaming mug. Sam nodded his thanks and blew on the liquid.

‘So, let’s get straight to the point: Cas,’ Dean slouched back into his chair, eyeing the doctor over his coffee mug.

‘Well… I talked to Doctor Fuller and he finally agreed with me that it would be best for Castiel if you visited again.’

Dean stared levelly at Sam for a few moments, sleep deprived purple framed eyes boring into Sam’s. ‘And what if I don’t want to come back?’

Sam was shocked, eyebrows almost hitting his hairline. ‘What?’ That had been the last thing he’d expected to hear.

‘What if I don’t want to come back?’ Dean repeated, cocking an eyebrow almost like a challenge. ‘All you people do is fuck me around.’

Sam leant forward and placed his mug on the table, clearing his throat. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘Well, you come in here, bringing Cas back into my life, then you limit how often I get to see him, then you completely cut me out because of one little outburst.’

The doctor pressed his lips together and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Dean. You weren’t exactly our main priority.’

Dean’s answering flinch was only just noticeable. ‘Huh, yeah, I get that you don’t give a shit about me but you white coats’ve gotta understand that I care about Cas, okay?’

‘I might have phrased that a little harshly, but our top priority is getting Castiel better. The moment he shows distress, we have to step in. He needs to recover.’

‘You can’t shield him from the world. That’ll just make him sicker.’ Dean took a long sip of coffee and then continued to stare at the other man. ‘Life on the outside’s not gonna be nice and rosy. You’re not preparing him for the bumps in the road, ya know? Maybe if you’d let Cas ‘n I had talk it out, we could’ve sorted this whole thing and I’d be able to sleep.’

Sam looked at the floor and fidgeted in his seat. ‘I’m sorry that you can’t see that we’re helping him, Dean. But you need to realise-‘

‘I don’t need to realise _shit_ ,’ Dean growled. ‘I’ll see Cas. Fine, I’ll see him, but I just want you to know I’m sick of you assholes.’

‘I don’t want you to just see Castiel because you have to. You only feeling like you’re obligated to be there might just negatively affect Castiel.’

Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly. ‘It hurts me to see him that way but I’d never visit him just because I felt like I was forced to. I do want to see him, I just hate how much everything’s changed.’ Dean seemed to deflate.

Sam looked at the other man with sympathy and stood up. ‘I should go. But please, visit Castiel whenever you can. I know we can work this out. He needs time and he needs you.’

A titter left Dean’s lips as he stood up too. ‘Enough with the cheesiness, dude, get the fuck off my property.’ A real grin spread across Dean’s face and Sam joined him, laughing before nodding briskly.

‘Fine, I’m going.’ Sam was smiling as he left the house, Dean close behind him.

‘Tell Cas I said hi, would’ya? And that I’ll be there soon.’

Sam stopped and turned to face Dean. He dipped his head and smiled. ‘Of course.’

Dean stood in his doorway appearing a little lighter than he’d been just ten minutes ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of short, sorry, but I needed to update for you. Next chapter will be longer and will have more Dean and Castiel. Thank you for still sticking with this even with my terribly erratic posting schedule :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've figured out that this will be 20 chapters long, possibly adding an epilogue. It's going to be weird finishing it just because I've stretched writing it over such a long time but yeah...  
> I sound like a broken record here but I am so sorry for the delay, I had exams and then just had literally no motivation whatsoever to do anything but lie down haha, but here you go! The angst is calming down and I've opted for the ending to be a happy one - as happy as it can be anyway as they're still pretty damn complicated.

‘Heya, Cas.’

Castiel didn’t even appear to acknowledge Dean’s presence as he stared out of the window in the day room. He flinched a fraction as Dean’s chair scraped against the floor when he moved it from the neighbouring table. Dean settled into it and took a deep breath, running a hand through his already mussed hair.

‘You okay?’

Slowly, Cas turned his head to the side to glare at Dean. ‘Peachy.’

Dean smirked but it didn’t reach his eyes. Castiel scanned his face and took in the bags under his eyes, the teeth bitten lips that were cracked from the attention. His hair had definitely grown and so had his scruff. Dean’s exhausted demeanour made Cas hurt and drop his cold act. He’d missed him but he’d been so confused with his feelings, and wondering whether Dean could really handle living with him as he’d proposed.

‘Dean…’ he started, glancing away as soon as Dean made eye contact. ‘You… you have to understand that this won’t go away. Sure, I’ll have pills that’ll help with it all but… it won’t disappear.’

Dean slowly nodded his head and sighed. ‘I know.’

‘And I don’t know if you can really deal with that.’ Cas lifted his deep blue eyes to stare into Dean’s tired green ones.

‘Nnh, Cas-‘ Dean groaned, expression weary.

‘No, Dean. You have to understand. I’m calm right _now_ , I can deal with myself now and who I am but who says that in half an hour I won’t be triggered and Jimmy will come out… I just…’ Cas’ body sagged as he breathed out deeply. ‘We have to think about this realistically. And when I last saw you, I didn’t know what was going on, I wasn’t really all there and you lost your temper, you couldn’t deal with it.’

Dean sat back heavily in his chair and dragged a calloused hand down his face. ‘I… I know you don’t fully trust this to work out but… I still love you, Cas.’ Dean looked desperately into Cas’ eyes and his voice cracked. ‘That’s gotta count for something. I’ve fucked up in the past, I fucking hurt you, I know. And… I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through but I’m willing to try.’

Cas shook his head gradually as Dean finished talking. ‘You can try but who’s to say you won’t end up hating me? I’m pretty sure ninety percent of the staff cannot wait to see the back of me.’

‘S’true, you do have a great ass,’ Dean tittered.

Cas chuckled and looked back out of the window. ‘Used to. I’ve gotta eat a few bacon cheeseburgers to get it back.’

‘I’ll make you some,’ Dean promised, nudging Cas’ leg with his own.

They sat in silence for a little while until Cas gave in a slipped his hand into Dean’s, resting them on Dean’s jean clad thigh.

‘It’ll be hell, Dean.’

‘I’ll be there. We can work it out and I can handle it. Trust me to handle it.’

It was quiet again between them as they both stared out of the wire meshed window.

* * *

 

‘I assume you’re not just here for a social visit.’

‘When has that ever been the case?’ Sam smiled tightly and took a seat across from the doctor who had asked for his help so many months ago.

‘What do you wish to talk about?’ he asked, settling into his desk chair. Sam stared at the desk in front of him, nibbling his bottom lip before deciding to stand up again.

‘I need to discuss possibly releasing Castiel Novak.’

Doctor Fuller’s eyebrows shot to his hairline. ‘That’s something we’d need to also discuss with the other staff on the ward as well, and could take a while considering Mr Novak’s particular case. Why do you think it would be appropriate to release him now?’

Sam rubbed at his chin and paced agitatedly in front of the other doctor’s desk. ‘From all the time I’ve spent with Castiel, he’s made extraordinary progress and I’ve managed to mostly figure out the exact reasons for his multiple personalities. His depression and anorexia stemming from the sexual abuse he suffered, or perhaps even further back, as when Dean Smith was his partner he noticed Castiel’s depressive tendencies and also signs of anorexia.’

‘Mhm,’ Doctor Fuller mumbled, prompting Sam to carry on.

‘Castiel creating the story where he was a powerful being, travelling around with people he cared about and making a difference to the world… it was just an escape, somewhere better than his reality, somewhere where he could get away from painful memories of abuse and also the helplessness he felt with the depression.’

Doctor Fuller nodded his head and leaned back in his desk chair. Sam continued.

‘Jimmy could have been created to help shoulder the burden of the memories. He could have allowed Dean, a major part of his past, to manifest himself as a hallucination for company when he was feeling isolated in the hospital, and when he felt he had nobody familiar to turn to… So, doctor, I think… I think he’s… well, I wouldn’t say better, but I think he’s well on his way to recovery and, now that we know enough about his problems, we can treat him even outside of the hospital walls.’

The other man lifted an eyebrow and peered at Sam over his glasses. ‘Sam, we’ve had Castiel here for many years, and for a lot of that time he’s been confined to his room for his own protection and to protect the other patients in the hospital. We have to do a full final evaluation, sort out appropriate doses for his medication… I… I’m not sure.’

Sam sighed. ‘I understand, but we know he’s going to be in a stable environment upon his release – he’ll be with Mr Smith instead of a halfway house, he won’t be on his own.’

‘There’s still the murder charge to consider,’ Doctor Fuller reminded him, eyes stern.

The eye roll Sam responded with was almost painful. ‘He was obviously unstable when the crime was committed, he had a _list_ of mental disorders when he was admitted and _still_ has them, but I think they’re manageable enough now for him to be released and for the charges to be written off as a result of his untreated mental illnesses at the time. They already suspected this at the trial, hence why he was even admitted here in the first place and had a psychiatric evaluation.’

Doctor Fuller stared at Sam’s now still form for a few moments, seemingly contemplating. ‘Okay. We’ll have a proper meeting to fully discuss Castiel’s case and then review both of the options Castiel has upon being released. I can’t promise everyone else will agree with him being placed in Dean’s care though, Sam. We’ve seen how he’s dealt previously with Castiel’s episodes so it’s not too promising.’

‘I understand,’ Sam muttered, not entirely happy with the outcome of the meeting. ‘I’ll put together a new file of everything that documents the huge improvements with the patient. Thanks, doctor.’

The other man only inclined his head slightly before Sam grabbed his briefcase and left the office.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't properly checked it over, only fleetingly, so I apologise for any mistakes, I just really wanted to get the chapter out.

Castiel could see Lisa hovering nearby in his periphery. He patiently waited for her to stop biting her nails and advance towards him.

‘I heard they’re releasing you,’ she started, timidly, voice muffled by the hand in front of her face.

Cas slowly nodded his head, sat staring out of the window just as he had done the last time Dean had visited almost three weeks ago. ‘If my final evaluation goes well… then yes.’ He sucked in a breath and glanced up at the other patient who looked incredibly small even when she towered above his seated form. ‘They sorted my meds out… I’m covered for them. And… I have a home.’

Lisa’s dainty eyebrows lifted and she sank heavily into the chair next to him, fingers never leaving her mouth. ‘With Dean?’

‘With Dean.’

A silence settled between them and Castiel tilted his head, studying the woman as she looked down at the linoleum. ‘But… I could hear him shouting at you. I should tell them something.’

His head straightened and his brow furrowed. ‘Tell who what?’

She bit her lip and let her arm drop to the table. ‘I should tell the doctors that he’s bad for you. He is, Castiel. I saw your file.’

Anger bubbled inside Cas but he controlled it; something he had worked on in recent weeks was controlling himself and he’d even taken part in a group therapy session. He knew he’d never be fully in control of his body, but he’d somewhat come to terms with it.

‘I know you saw my file, but don’t think you know anything about my life, Lisa. You can’t dictate my future.’

She stared at him incredulously and then sulkily spoke, ‘I don’t want you to go.’

Cas frowned and then rolled his eyes. ‘I remember you once told me I’d be out of here in no time… Did you say that expecting I’d never get out?’

‘You’re the craziest one here, Cas!’ she laughed hollowly. ‘I thought… I thought we’d both…’

‘What?’

She sighed wearily. ‘I thought we’d both be here for good and that I’d have a friend.’

Suddenly Cas felt sympathy flood through him. ‘You think you’re never going to leave?’

Lisa ‘tsked’ and shifted in her seat, not meeting his eyes. ‘If what I read in my file is true then… no. I’m not leaving. But I won’t ever believe that stuff they wrote. There’s no way… so… I’m not going anywhere. I thought at least I’d have some company.’

‘Lisa, you can get better. If I think back to myself a few months ago, even… as me, now, I’d tell you that I would never recover, but I’m, not okay, but better than I was.’ Cas’ eyes bored into Lisa’s. ‘And they’re releasing me.’

Her eyes began to glisten, filling with moisture. ‘Well good luck, then,’ she croaked before shooting out of her seat and scurrying out of the dayroom. He sighed and chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to keep Jimmy at bay by calming his emotions down, something Sam had taught him.

* * *

 

‘Here we are, your very last in house therapy session,’ Sam said with a smile.

Cas smiled back weakly, fiddling with the sleeve of his top. Sam picked up on his patient’s nervousness and leaned forward in his chair.

‘I’ve been meaning to bring something up with you…’ Cas looked up and made eye contact with his doctor, eyebrows raised. Doctor Wesson continued. ‘As you may have assumed, I’m a certified therapist. I wanted to ask you if you would prefer to have me as your therapist once you’ve been released? It wouldn’t take place here, but in my office just outside of town, weekly. I thought that would be best because we’ve made so much progress together already.’

Castiel began to grin genuinely but reserved. He felt relieved and safe, like he didn’t have to step fully out of his comfort zone. ‘Yes. I would like that, thank you.’

‘Great! That’s great. We can only improve from here, Castiel. The transition from the hospital into normal life will be difficult, but you have to understand that you can talk to me about anything. Even the prospect of you maybe not feeling ready to-‘

‘No!’ Cas quickly interrupted. At Sam’s wary expression, he quickly explained himself. ‘I- I mean, I’m ready for this. I’m fine, I can handle it. You’ve got pills for me, right? I’ll be fine. Oh, and don’t worry, I’ve got Jimmy under control. He’s not happy about it, but I’ve got him under control.’

Sam cocked an eyebrow but seemed slightly more reassured. ‘Okay. You have to understand that your other personality could be triggered. If that ever happens, you need to contact me, or even Dean, immediately once you’re in control again, alright?’ Cas briskly nodded, feeling a little dismayed about the idea that he could lose control again and end up right back in the hospital. ‘Now, if it’s okay, I think we should just discuss more right now about how you’re doing.’

Castiel nodded again, picking at a loose piece of skin beside his fingernail and wincing. ‘Sure.’

‘Have you had any hallucinations in the last week involving Balthazar?’

An anxious feeling bubbled up inside his gut. ‘No. I haven’t seen him, but…’

‘What?’ Sam asked, studying Cas’ face as his eyes became cloudy.

‘Will I… Will I ever know what I did? You can tell me what happened all you want, but will _I_ ever remember it?’ Castiel looked up and the movement caused some moisture to escape his eyes.

Sam pursed his lips. ‘It depends. Sometimes people suppress emotionally traumatic experiences and then enough therapy allows them to break down the walls they’ve created in their minds. You could eventually break down that wall, Castiel. But, as I said, it was an incredibly traumatic event for you. I know you want closure too, he was your brother but… it could be damaging to you. After all, you _did_ create Jimmy to cope with the memory.’

Castiel worried the inside of his cheek before lifting his deep blue eyes to meet Sam’s. What Doctor Wesson was able to see in his patient’s eyes was acceptance.

* * *

 

‘So… you’re free to go.’

Castiel felt like he’d been numb until those words had been spoken. His hearing had fluctuated during the small speech Doctor Fuller had given him, only key things like ‘weekly therapy sessions’, ‘daily doses of medication’ and ‘safe environment’ popping out at him from among the usual shit that doctors were supposed to say when they released someone they’d been holding for years.

‘Thank you, doc,’ Cas said with a smirk, picking up his small suitcase of possessions and the bag of stuff he’d been wearing and carrying on the day he’d been admitted.

It was autumn and the air was cold so he’d asked Dean to bring him a sweater. It was green and he huddled into it, glancing down at Dean’s smiling face. He took in a large gulp of the crisp air and closed his eyes; he could start again, he could be better.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [In Extremis](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1108409) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)




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